2:30am....just done with cs tut since 8pm?

wat can i say man...and i only did the bare minimum of the tut qns...

programming is killing me....practical test in less than 2 weeks' time...final sem papers in less than one month's time...

ouch...shoulders are aching form sitting and typing for too long....

lethargic-ated....i dunno how long can i last man....i need your strength....

but compared to last sem...i have been taking things quite easy throughout this sem so far...6 modules...yahz...quite heavy...but things haven't really been too bad till now...

hopefully they will get better....

cherios....last weekend to enjoy before actual mugging commences....

sadly, the eagerly planned taiwan trip during the hols are now left with 6 persons going...i thought there would be more...sigh...

"你要的不是我
心碎的失去轮廓
曾经给你的感动
只是情绪的波动
能给的不是我
放任你沉溺自由
掩饰不了我的笨拙
就连说话都会颤抖
我被遗忘在
你遗忘的角落"

was in a moment of 胡思乱想ing just now in sch and realized that it's totally pointless...maybe i should accept life as it is presented to me...maybe i shouldn't complicate things...maybe i shouldn't even think...

dunno lar...my mind is tired...my heart is tired...i just wanna rest...

ever feel that you can't get to sleep no matter how tired you are, simply because you know that 'someone' is not yet asleep?

ever feel the anxiety of going to sch to see someone but fear the possibility that you might see that 'someone' with another 'someone'?

dilemmas in life aren't there without a reason...they tend to question you on some fundamental questions in life...

"what is it that really matter to you?"

"will you be willing to sacrifice something or some part of you for that?"

------------------------------------

such entries....

yes...i aint out of that phase yet...the sticky situation in which i simply dunno what to do...i hate to feel that i can't speak my inner voice out...there are things i want to say...things i want to ask...

everything will be put in place if i don't 逃避 ... if i don't 胡思乱想 to fill the 'gaps' of uncertainty...

i know what i have to do to get myself out of it...but i simply can't do it...no matter how hard i try...

sometimes, i really think that all the problems that i face are self-inflicted...self-induced...self-imagined...

this 'self' aint strong as it used to be...i can feel that in almost everything...every situation that i am in...the lack of confidence is severe...the vulnerability is obvious...the incompetence is a result of these...

i need to change...

and i am subtly changing....i hope...

taking a little time off from work...hmm...dun really like tuesdays...coz i know she will be attending tut with him...but that doesn't really matter me...

who am i to be feeling this way?

what position am i in to be thinking like this?

i have finally found the reasons why i am always unhappy:

1. keep 逃避ing
2. keep 胡思乱想ing

i can't seem to overcome myself...

know more abt me...hee...some truth in those i should say...except that i dun change friends very fast...those that remain as my friends till now...they are really worth being my friends....

Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating

You're not ready to go walking down the aisle. But you may be ready in a couple of years. You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment. And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

was chatting with ghim just now and he asked, "qing chang shi yi?"..then said everytime see me "sian sian one..."...haha i dunno how to reply him man...

but i always sian sian one meh? well, there are times when i just wanna remain silent and be alone bah...but i'm beginning to be so afraid of loneliness...i dun like that actually...i feel more dependent on the people around me for emotional needs...i'm not as strong as i used to be anymore...

vulnerability seems obvious...

devoid of emotions would have been the best way out...

心不在焉 is an incurable disease...

even stem cell technology can't help...

oh well..

-----------------------

when i see the files in my room got all piled up...with the sheets of paper within them thickening exponentially...i know the time has come...final term examinations!!! yep...very fast...study rooms in sch have had their time extended (though i don't really care about that)...but it's a sign...a wake up call maybe...for the slackened me...

maybe another week more and it's time to start the engine again...endless stuff to catch up on...tutorials are all lagging behind..concepts are being left in the LT and yet to be retrieved...hardwork? in the rubbish bin...

gonna learn how to study smart for now...coz i realize tt i aint have alot of time to work hard...min effort and max output is the ideal now...lolz....

very soon...the sem will end...i want to end it on a high note!!!

-------------------------

have been talking to her quite often recently...msn though...but it feels good...somehow...it feels mutual....i dunno...

"What can i do to make it right?
Falling so hard so fast this time?
What did i say, what did you do?
How did i fall in love with you?"

逃避ing....a new term i heard from yanz and pj...lolz...

am i? hmm...maybe...逃避 from what? something that hurt me too deep once...but maybe...things will be different this time round?

'you will never know if you try'....

i think i have a bunch of real good friends (you know whom i'm refering to...not YOU..not YOU...yahz...it's YOU, YOU and YOU...) the billiard session was fantastic just now...can't imagine we played from 8 plus till 1am on a friday night...

had a talk with pj...though we have been very good buddy for some many years...we had never talk about things that are close to our hearts...about relationships...

i will leave the details till some other day bah...

or maybe i should just day it now lar...

he told me to go and tell the gal...there is nothing really serious and grave in confessing..."我喜欢你"...these four words....haha...perhaps it's true...but i simply can't 过我自己这一关...

"会怕的"...the once hurt in relationship was quite bad that i am kinda withdrawn when it comes to such things...

maybe i'm just complicating matters...but it's really aint easy....i know it's easier to say from a 3rd person perspective...i have been in that position before...but when you yourself are involved....matter just seem to complicate itself...

---------------------------------------


i can't believe i pressed 'send'...and her reply was quite funny...just a simple goodnight sms...i think it was rather unexpected....

---------------------------------------

maybe what i need is really just a little more bit of 冲动...

it feels good...again...

was looking at the cs tut question for the past one hr...and nothing's really done...i'm giving up...why are things getting harder and harder...

can't rest....can't bring myself to rest...coz there's simply aint alot of free time...thousand and one things to do if i wanna do them...

but the lazy bug is stronger...far stronger than i thought it was...perhaps it has evolved...developed resisitance to my 'resistance against it'...hmm....

tired....simply restless...

it feels comforting to know that you have a bunch of friends who care...

at least i'm not that 'alone' as i think...

things can only get better when your life has reached the worst, isn't it?

that's the fascinating fact about hope...it's just too attractive to let go of it...no matter how many times it has been dashed...pple simply clinge to whatever hope that's left...and pray...

this is gonna be a depressing, sad, nothing-to-be-happy-abt post...

i'm DOWN again. Yes, yet again. I feel so lousy. So incompetent. So vulnerable to the forces around me. Have you ever walked on the road, not at all concerned about the traffic around you? Have you ever felt that the entire world has a conspiracy against you? Have you ever felt hopeless, worthless?

Signs of depression again, i guess. Never once fail to to sadden the already sad me.

Okay. Here's what happened. I failed my third TP test just now. And i almost knew it even before i started the test. I still held on to the hope that things might just turn out fine. i know it's not wrong to hold on to some hope. But everytime when i felt like this, the hope failed me. Never once did miracles happen.

i see no reason why i should pass the test. I did every fault that a learner driver can commit. You might laugh at it. But really, i don't know what is happening to me. The heart is not in place. The mind wanders off somewhere. I even thought that i was doing parallel parking when i was, in fact, told to do vertical parking.

i'm amazed. By my own stupidity, my incapability of being myself.

can somebody just tell me what is happening to me? i'm lost. i feel disoriented. i feel that i don't have anything to look forward to in life. At this rate, i might turn myself into a zombie.

laugh at me if you really want to. But please don't let me know that you laughed. 别在我伤口上洒盐...i feel that i'm sinking into a deep, dark hole. When i thought i saw light and persevered to climb out of it, i felt a push from above and i fell to the bottom again.

A phase in life that i must get through? perhaps. i'm still holding on to some hope. it may betray me again. But i think i still need a glimpse of hope, coz i really can't fight the battle alone anymore.


我不知道我在想什么...在做什么...Really. i have never felt so strangled in my 21 years of life at all. My heart feels weak. It feels like it can't take another blow anymore.


sinking...drowning...collapsing...shattering...

i'm glad that i asked...at least i found out the current situation...

so what now? watch and observe the rules of the game...play it cleanly and with sportsmanship...

re-org done...

a happier zs...

thank you for being there when i need you, mr blogger.com...i dunno who can i turn to...there is something i wanna find out...but i'm afraid to know the answer...but i know i need to know the answer to move on...

it feels like 6 years back...and if you have known me and the people around me long enough...you would probably have guessed what is it about...relationship...friendship...how not to let these 2 get tangled in a mess?

how would you react if you know that your friend is interested in the same gal that you like?

i have been through it before...and yet..i still dunno what to do

"会怕的"...yan told me in gek lect today...yah...i'm really afraid...

though i know that most importantly...it all boils down to how the gal feels and she will have to make a decision...

but would it to better to not let the gal have to make the decision?

i simply hate being myself sometimes...

usually late-night-return-home routine: blogging while waiting for hair to dry...went to cineleisure for a movie just now with my uni class after the gruesome cn1111 test...

V for Vendetta....conclusion: it's freaking too much for a monday night like this...too much shakespeare...too much dragging...but it's not bad a show to catch....

it'a amazing that the turn-out was quite overwhelming...
me..daniel...welly..ghimsong...jiaxing...amelia...enping...weekwok...darryl..alvin...jialiang...shiyao...12 in total...wah...

finally the end of all midterm tests...next-up: one essay..one lab report...many many tuts....

and my 3rd TP test on wed!!!!!

good luck good luck....

i love 7

i hope that she is with him...at least that gives me a reason to get out of it...



'an excuse' that's what yanz corrected me while i was chatting with her...yah...maybe...i dun wanna be hopeful and get disappointed in the end...i hate all these guessing games...my heart is too weak to take another blow...

that's probably the reason why i chose to stay out of all these...

but i do know...it's not always easy...like now...i'm freaking suffering...

i will find out someday soon...

i need an excuse...or a bigger hope...whichever comes....i will accept it with grace....

she's not online today...



things that i really really enjoy doing...

1) play bball with my 武中 bball teammates...
2) play billiard with pj and kokz
3) ktv
4) driving..but i dun have license and dun have car...
5) occasionally jogging sessions alone...
6) mahjong with good company...it's not abt winning...but chatting among 4 persons
7) hmm...

was that a hint just now? (that my nick was unintentionally noticed....)

i love orange

i suddenly feel so afraid that my uni friends frequent my blog...coz you will find out more about me...

i dun wanna reveal myself too much though....

dilemma...so tempted to change my blog addr...

the billiard was good just now...glad that i skipped econs lect for 2 hr plus of entertainment...at least this will give me ample excuse to work hard during the weekends to study for my monday terror test...

i love playing snooker...

why?

the level of concentration that's needed...it makes you focus solely on the game and nothing else...there are situations when no matter how hard you focus and aim, you can't knock the balls in...they are irritating moments...but, they just make you decide on your next action: either to rest for the day or continue to get more consistent shots...

was able to concentrate just now...perhaps for most part of the game...

thought of her? i think so bah...

"i advocate finding out lahz.. cuz e feeling of suspense and wantin to know is quite irritating ahz.." said yanz....

true bah...maybe i should subtly find out more about what i wanna know...

-----------------------------------

oh yah...got a few uni friends ask me if the gal who always sit beside me during genes lect is my gf...(yes...yanz...when you read this..they are refering to you...)

the answer is here: No!!! she's NOT my galfriend...just very close and good friend...pls dun link me to her anymore....

no hard feelings here...=) but really...多年好友...very hard to be gf de horz...(i bet you must be nodding when you read this..yanz)...

oh yahz....pj deleted his blog....'a change bah'...


maybe i should delete mine too...just realized i penned down alot of emotions here....far more than those i show...

this blog is too personal....and i feel weird with i know my closest friends are reading them....

but it's a good place for my emotional letouts...

we shall see bah....

sigh....

life's been hectic these few days...to make things worse...(well..i always make things worse)...so, things are worsen...

spent so much time studying for cm1502...the test today turned out to be quite okay...at least i know how to do and manage to smoke thru those that i'm not sure...

i gave up on maths tut for tmr....

don't know why...i suddenly feel that i don't have alot of time...though i already quite slack in school...never participate in anything...but still...

----------------------------------------------------

how can you find out something that you seriously want to know but don't know how to ask, or come about finding the answer?

----------------------------------------------------

i remember once when talking to kokz about relationship...we talked about how will/should we feel if the person you love is with someone else...

should i feel happy for her?
maybe

should i feel sad?
probably

kokz said he will be sad coz even though that gal may be very xingfu with the other guy....he will hope that the one who is giving her xingfu is him instead....

----------------------------------------------------

relationships are trouble....i don't really like...but still...sometimes...the feeling will just come....you may hope that it will leave you alone...but..you aint have a choice...

just live with it...repress it if you want...and hope time will tell....

----------------------------------------------------

weekends gonna be buzi again...revising for the other tough test on monday....then gonna start on essay and catching up on tutorialz.....

spectacle gal....don't you think she's so cute? a repost of the picture...but...isn't it worthwhile to see her again?

pj's blog is missing?!?!?!

i was trying to access it but...it says the page cannot be found or something....

in times when you are down...isn't it good to know that there is someone out there who are really concerned about you?

isn't it good to have someone who is willing to take that extra minute action to make you feel at least slightly better?

isn't is good to know that you have that someone who doesn't need to do anything in particular and the mere existence of her will make you feel better?

isn't it good?

my lappie clock reads 1:11...seldom will ah zhan study until so damn late...yes..i have just decided to stop my wokr for the night...in fact...looking at the way things are going...it aint good...and it's not showing any signs of improvement either...seriously, i can;t imagine how damn slow i was when trying to do about 14 CM questions...i took me..hmm...5 HOURS!!!!!....and there were still so many doubts....but i was at least glad that i gone to part of them today..at least i know what to expect and have the next 2 days to prepare more...

cost-benefit analysis...revise more on CM test on thurs....the cost will be to sacrifice the doing of cn tut? hmm....

lets see how it goes ba...

tmr got 3 hrs in sch..hopefully i can at least
finish chapt 3 additional ex in sch...
then end sch day at 5...
reach home at about 6...
do lab...
revise CM...
and hopefully still got time to do cn...if not i dun go the tut liaoz...

i need a breather period....choking up....

suddenly...

next time..we better play bball in the evening....morning sun is scorching hot...not for me....evening good..no sun...mor energy..more accurate...

time for bed i guess...


i hope i will not think of you....

如果我能那么容易放开就好了...

"也许我就这样走路回家
反正你不再在乎几点
该几点回到家"

'本来' -- 同恩

just recently heard this song....coz of the campus superstar...thought it was a nice song..but the gal didn't exploit its full potential...go listen to tong en's version...it's really quite good

the run just now was good...it helps clear my mind abit...

when my mind is tired...it simply refuse to function for meaningless stuff...

in other words, it wun 胡思乱想 that much...and i will be more happy...

=)

cherios

"原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己"

原来 -- 林俊杰

the biggest flaw in mr zs...

i think too much into things...complicate matters...have the tendency to sadden myself...

perhaps there should be a change in me....

i should smile more often...
i should get some life...
i should be the happy me again...

想太多了...心会累的...

maybe i should look at things with a more optimistic attitude..
maybe i should be on a brighter note...

it's aint bad with the present situation now...at least i dun think i desperately need that thing that's lacking in my life...it's not the essential driving force...



//and i think she aint the one...

//haha...yah..in case you are following my blog...there's a 'she' recently who is //causing me to feel rather low...a particular feeling which i dunno why it's //there...coz 'she' differs so much from my type...

//though i never rule out any possibility...i aint making the possibility percentage //higher either...


aiyah...i hate emotions...it's simply irritating...shall be rid of it....i just wanna be happy...and i know only myself can determine how i feel...my mood...shan't let such things affect me so easily...

need a life...feel quite empty at times....bball!!! billiard!!!! ktv!!! where are my friends?!?!?!?!

--------

little actions tell alot...look around you and you will probably see what i mean....

wishing all a joyous, wonderful, fun-filled life...

i think i better go sleep le....if not woke up late again...

i woke up at 8 am today when my morning lecture started at 8 am....i woke up just in time for the start of the lecture!!!

how cool....

我想 情绪真的是写在脸上的

couldn't bring myself to smile for the whole day...the sad zs is back...sigh~
why do i let myself fall into this state? i know the consequences...i have seen pple around me suffer...and yet...i should have done all i can to avoid it...but...i just couldn't control it i guess...

time will tell...i will get over it...i will stand tall again...i will smile and say "what a wonderful day it's gonna be."...i will

眼神很迷糊...没有焦点....no focus....

心不在焉

watch soccer..think sch work...
go lectures 胡思乱想
try to sleep think sch work and 胡思乱想

wat the heck do you want?

oh yah...i bought an arsenal cap...lolz...moroon...coolz....

i lack a highbury home jersey...with henry's name behind would be nice....

hmm...actually david tao said it in his song...

爱很简单...
(lolz..comment after i saw yanz nick)

it's oblivious to my eyes...but i can sense it...

sometimes, i think my friends know me more than i do...they know me inside out!!! i dun nid to tell them anything...coz they know what's on my mind...i think....

hmm...no special meaning in the previous entry...just some emotional thoughts lately...thank you my dear friends for your concern...wait till i got happier news..i will share it with you all...meanwhile...study hard...coz i have 2 more mtt(midterm test)

时间

it took me 3 years to let go....
a year or two to be ready...
and probably another few years to be involved...


冲动

often, what's lacking is just a little bit of impulse...
you know that's the thing that you want...but you lack the courage to go and fight for it...you fear the possiblity of failing....no one likes to fail...but there is not even the chance of winning if you dun even try...


感情

fickle...changes like nobody's business...
the most wonderful thing in the world that can withstand the test of time is friendship...i seriously think that friendship is more precious that those love relationships....


朋友...爱情...

i choose the former....

ever wonder why are there so many pple on msn but are on either away or busy mood?

i do that too...but why?

i also dunno

我想我是被动摇了...

i see starz.....my eyes are hurting abit...shall go rest them now...

"我只想对着天空轻轻的呼吸
寻找我最爱的人到底在那里
.....
....
...
..
.
不懂爱情 我的心如此无力"

"要让你感动 很简单
要给你快乐 很困难
要忍住孤独 很简单
要把你忘记 非常难"

"要让你信任 很简单
要和你恋爱 非常难"

"要痴痴等待 很简单
要若无其事 很困难"

进退两难 - 林志炫

A usual routine to be sitting in front of my laptop, blogging, while waiting for my hair to dry after a night of billiarding. Well, i routine thst is not that usual anymore. Seldom play it these days.

And so i'm here, typing about today, about life, about things that may not even concern me, about anything possible in this world.

It's been a long day. Starting from an 8am lecture in school, with an 8 hr day of lessons, and a dinner in lot1, and back to clementi (west coast recreation centre) for billiard.

Wonderful company and fun moments. It always feels good to be around such friends (you know who you are). Talk and crap about anything under the sun.

Hmm, this may be the few of such funz before i get down to some real-time mugging for my cm1502 and cn1111 mid-term (or more suitably-termed: 3/4 term) tests. killer papers are expected. And mugging is therefore, a necessity.

---------



don't look at me when you didn't mean to.
don't make me feel that way when it's not your intention.




there are too many differences....
there is too big a gap....
there is too little the chance....
there is almost zero possibility....





--------------------------------------



"how do you tell if you and the person whom you like have no chance of being together?" pj asked me just now.

and here's my reply, "when you tell her how you feel about her and she rejects you."

and this is what he said, "then i will opt not to tell her and keep the slightest possibility that she and i can be together"....

(translated from chinese and so, it may not be 100% accurate)

there is some truth in it...

it's amazing how one's mood can sway due to the slightlest thing that can ever exist in the world. it's equally amazing how one can feel sad for no reason. not a single reason for tearing or the potential of tearing.... (tear....t-ear...or te-ar)...

nobody will want to be sad. but really, sometimes, there is no catylst to spark even a instantaneous moment of happiness. i can feel people's sadness in them. i tend to be affected to it. depression is contagious.

i like to see happy people around me. so that i can at least appear happy when i'm with them. "there is no reason to be happy" is what i always say. but the sole existence of people aroud you being happy is good enough for a brighter day, isn't it?

learning to be optimistic. taking things easily, according to its stride.

=)

how do you tell.....

i am so....hmm...multi-facaded...(is it a correct word to use?)...

Arena (known to self and others) logical, searching, sensible, sentimental	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, adaptable, bold, calm, cheerful, clever, dependable, energetic, friendly, giving, helpful, independent, ingenious, intelligent, knowledgeable, mature, modest, observant, organised, quiet, reflective, relaxed, self-conscious, trustworthy, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) introverted, tense	Unknown (known to nobody) accepting, brave, caring, complex, confident, dignified, extroverted, happy, idealistic, kind, loving, nervous, patient, powerful, proud, religious, responsive, self-assertive, shy, silly, spontaneous, sympathetic, warm

Dominant Traits

53% of people think that zhanz is intelligent

All Percentages

able (13%) accepting (0%) adaptable (6%) bold (6%) brave (0%) calm (26%) caring (0%) cheerful (6%) clever (46%) complex (0%) confident (0%) dependable (33%) dignified (0%) energetic (13%) extroverted (0%) friendly (6%) giving (6%) happy (0%) helpful (26%) idealistic (0%) independent (26%) ingenious (6%) intelligent (53%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (6%) logical (13%) loving (0%) mature (6%) modest (26%) nervous (0%) observant (13%) organised (20%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (13%) reflective (13%) relaxed (13%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (6%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (6%) sensible (40%) sentimental (26%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (46%) warm (0%) wise (13%) witty (6%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 2.3.2006, using data from 15 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view zhanz's full data.

i think i sprained my wrist slightly during soccer today...it's always like that...play soccer..hand injured....play bball leg injured....haha

omg..i have problem typing now...shall go to slp then....

i had a crazy dream last night....someone happened to be in my dream...and that someone and i were doing crazy things....as i have said....it's a crazy dream....so much abt it....

soccer just now in sch was not too bad...weakening...i should do more workout....but it's nice....to be kicking around with friends from everywhere....

noticing a subtle change in me....i'm beginning to be more happy...and be more open to strangers....beginning to....and hopefully...continuing to also...