pain

just when i tot my cough has subsided...it came back to me...well it's not worse...just momentary itch...but when i cough...my chest or rip cage feels so pain!!!

not too sure whatz wrong....rip bone? or lungs?

now i need to take extra caution when coughing so as not to aggravate any pain...ouch! i can't breathe in too deep...i can't freely let out my cough...

oh man...why am i still suffering? holy shiit!

"我要一个人去东京铁塔看夜景
我要一个人去威尼斯看电影
我要一个人去阳明山上看海芋
拍偶像剧
我要一个人去纽约纯粹看雪景
我要一个人去巴黎喝咖啡写信
我要一个人的旅行
一个人透透气

我要一个人在希腊梦见苏格拉底
我要一个人的通宵看完鲁迅的背影
我要一个人呆呆的在浴缸里
思考阮玲玉
我要一个人的北京探望孟姜女
我要一个人的书局和志摩谈情
我要一个人的旅行
一个人彻底～"

-- "一个人的行李"
歌手：戴佩妮


wonder how it feels to go on a vacation alone...maybe i should try it someday...afterall, i quite a loner if i want to shut myself off...

this song kinda appeals to me....i like songs that are on a lighter tone these dayz...not too emotionally deep...not too depressing...

though many depressing songs are still very good...

lyrical!

0211...just stopped my mugging for today after a long and inefficient...concluded that i cannot read textbook with a brunch of friends in sch...i can only do practice in study groups...

today had the 1st mkting proj group meeting...5 engineers...kinda lost amongst all the mkting terms...not sure if we get them right but at least some tasks are assigned and timeline drawn...

yupz...i kinda confirm that i'm gonna use my 2nd s/u on mkting...it's just not my field...and i dun have time to make it mine...i need to buck up for my lsm and stuffs (all the stupid cores)...there goes my 600 plus bid pts for a s/u-ed module...

well...regrets? yes..but what to do? just live with it lorz....there are so bound to be regrets in life that i think i have to grow used to them...no pt sulking over events that are far over...look forward and who knows what you might discover...

optimism taking over!!!

gonna get buzi with mugging and tuition that i dun think i have anymore time for outings for the remaining of the break...

2121 revision is far from done...2122 not yet started....2123 i will devote half a sunday...lsm is hopelessly untouched...

busy...but i will still have time for someone...really...but thatz provided that someone needs me around...and i dun tink that will be the case anyway...

i will just locate myself "an sms away" from her...a distance thatz not far but feels distant enough....

sigh...

gambatte!!! live well!!!

"i'm just an sms away"...that'z probably the closest distance between us...

kinda hate myself...for being so stupid...for being so 专情...for being who i am...i thought of her during the trip...when i saw the winnie the pooh gummy sweets...

i felt like a fool...to think of someone that i shouldn't...


oh well...memories are meant to be sweet...

the batam vacation over the weekend wasn't a very fantastic one...not too sure what went wrong...not too certain abt what i wanted to do durng the 3 days/2 nights...thatz probably why i didn't really njoy it...

is it the company? erm...no offence but partly...they are good friends to me...but i just dun feel crazy when i'm with them...i couldn't get too high with this company...

and during the hols...i bunked with 2 crazy, super zi-high gals(haha..dawn and jinyan)...coz kev was with his gf...alcoholics!!! i gotten abit drunk on the 2nd night...and went off into a comfortable sleep despite the lousy bed...and these 2 gals didn't had enough and went on to get more beer and chatted until 5am plus...

i was awake for quite sometime after the drunken-spell...all i could say is...i only heard things that were meant for me to hear...as for the rest...it went out thru the other ear...so...dun worry abt anything!

batam wasn't as fantastic as i thought afterall...maybe it's becoz we didn't plan well..we didn't know where to go to have fun...what shopping centres are there...etc..and didn't reserve any time slot for the message...so..we ended up not having a chance for the message coz the hotel only have available messagers from 2pm (batam time) onwards and we had to be gone by then...

another super big cok up happened at the ferry terminal..when we thought we could just get on the ferry with our tickets...and while we made a last minute entry...we were stopped by the super inefficient immigration counter officer coz we didn't get our boarding pass...fark! and he even stamped our passport, only to void the stamp upon discovery that we didn't have the boarding passes...

ass!

perhaps a blessing in disguise..coz we had the best meal ever for lunch while waiting for the next departure...cheap and filling and delicious...haha...though there were tonnes of flies around...but to compare to the super ex jap food on first evening...the room service lousy brunch...the windless-by-the-sea dinner thatz not too good (though the cheap trail ktv session was free of charge)... the fly-ful lunch was really great!

activity-wise...we didn't do alot either...probably coz of budget...but mainly becoz there's nothing much to do...but the para-surfing was quite shiok...to be floating high up in the air...far far above the not-so-deepblue-sea...it just made you feel so minute in the world...jet ski-ing was cool...could have been better if i dun have the guy behind me...haha...banana-boat was just a waste of money and time...lolz...

the rest of the time were spent in the pool...and playing some table tennis...



batam's done..."have a nice fun!" so much so for the communication gap with the pple there...




i need company which i can get crazy with....nope...i dun think they are the ones...i still tink shaggerz are the best....seriously...but i dunno how many of us actually feel the same way as i do...

have i really over-worked myself? the 中医师 kept saying that i lack rest...

perhaps a trip to batam will do me good...time to 收拾心情...clear the debris and start afresh...restore the equilibrium in life...get the engine fine-tuned for the tests and proj in the upcoming weeks...


talking abt 人生...sigh...an endless module of life...an ever-learning process...non-examinable...


thanks to the pple who have shown concern abt my cough...i'm recovering...having had my fair share of health deterioration...the chinese doc said i'm recovering at a pace faster than expected...thanks to my mom brewing the herb for me...

time passes..wounds heal...the regenerative ability that'z innate to humans...though the duration of the healing process may vary from people to people...i still do believe that the light will shine on me again one day...

and so will your light brighten up your day, my friend!

cheer up and be happy...define your only happiness!

普通朋友

still the love of my life!

i've been wondering if this long duration will have a permanent effect on my health...been feeling quite weak lately...constantly wanting to fall asleep...even though i have rested alot...the chinese medicine is finishing...watz next? think i should go back to him one more time...


work's getting harder and harder as time goes by...a midterm break that doesn't feel like one...well at least i'm going batam this coming weekend...gonna enjoy myself abit before hitting back on the books...2121 and 2122...not forgetting 2123...and mkting proj gonna start soon...

probably have a few outings here and there....

billiard!!!
ktv!!!
cycling!!!



wanting another long john lunch...with special meaning attached to it...with a special someone...sighz...lolz...really hoping for the impossible bah...

oh well...life has to go on...as i have always said...it will not stop to wait for you...either you hop on and clinge tightly to it or you miss it totally...

it's good to see happy friends around...at least i can leach on their joys and smilez...

guang said "misery loves company"...but mine doesn't....it doesn't wanna be couple with another person's misery...instead...it wishes for the influence of happiness...with the aura so great that will brighten up everything around it...anyway...it's really good to see a happy guang...continue to be so! you are doing real good... ;> (cheeky smilez)..haa...you have my blessings....

haha..ghim has thousand and one tricks up his sleeves to jio gals man...can learn from him...lolz...but not those perverted ones of coz...(hope he doesn't see this)...


FRIDAY - tentative soccer with chem eng guys!!!! pls bring your kits along for interested party...

yupz...i'm still coughing but i will be fine soon...thanks for showing that you noticed...it's been nice chatting with you on msn again...


i'm beginning to like monday...no! not becoz of the cn2123 weekly quiz...but simply becoz i can choose to go for the mkting lect...


learning to take things lightly... accept whatever thatz presented to me...and not asking for more...feeling contented with life...striking equilibrium is so impt...

balancing between studies, friends, health, family...

still learning my trade...growing up....

"it's good to have 童真...young at heart"...and i really mean what i say...sometimes, i wonder where had the 'child' that was once in me gone to....


hmm...winnie the pooh....tigger...disney series....

i love "beauty and the beast"!

perhaps you are not as sad as you seem to be...

you just think that you ought to be sad... but no....

you ought to be as happy as anyone out there in the world!!!

smilez...the sun will be shining for you!!!

23rd - 25th sept...batam trip...

dunno if i can recover by then...if not...go there also cannot have too much fun and good food....sigh...

spending money...going out of singapore....before getting back to the bustling life in uni....sigh sigh sigh...02 x mid term tests and 01 x weekly quiz and 01 x 48hr take home test ...all on the very 1st week after midterm break...

pray for me horz...thankz

feeling my lung collapsing...my heart deteriorating...

i'm grasping for air...


not making myself sound pathetic...just expressing myself the way i like in my blog...

in a way, i feel pathetic...lolz...thatz probably why i sound that way...

i will get better...i will strive through the tide...and emerge stronger...as i have always did...

i'm fading away....


people say happiness is self-defined...so does agony...

so why do pple choose to define pain over joy?


okay the clock hits 12...i wanna go sleep le...the chinese doctor that i consulted said i lack rest....and now, my mum have to brew herbs for me to drink everyday...

i'm probabaly too stressed up...even though i know i'm trying to slacken down...my mind just wun rest...maybe something's really lacking in my life...and something's beginning to leave my life...

well...things just enter at one end and leave at the other, dun they? there aint many that will stay put...

"sometimes, love's just aint enough" yahz...you need friends, family, money...and wat more? watz this tinnie-winnie thing called 'love' actually? you suffer without it...and with it, you will suffer even more?


i'm seriously fading away.....

i feel worse today...the cough....

sigh

never had such a bad cough before...

visited doctor 4x...for 3 weekz...and still no signs of recovering...

man...feel really terrible...feel like there's something stuck down the windpipe...wanna cough it out...but nothing comes...only my coughs and more pain...

it's like "you wanna vomit but vomit nothing out" that kind of feeling...

sigh...when willi recover?

they said illness may be caused by stress...but i dun think mine is...feeling quite slack since the end of cm test last week...doing tutz and work that has to be completed at my own comfy pace...so, not really stress...

but how come my cough never seem to recover? i think it's getting worse...voice not totally back yet...

still boycotting all cold drinks...


sigh~ get well soon okay? if not, noboday is going to care about you...even if you die from cough....

love is just a meaningless cycle....


"你想要的我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路"

-- li sheng jie "最近"

left hander

"who's left-hander?" yanz asked me over msn...

haha...not impt...and i'm not going to say anything...nothing much...just a stupid casual remark that i made when i was bored yesterday...

anyway...i have always had a certain level of admiration for lefty...becoz of bball...lolz...i find they having this air of elegance when they shoot the ball...wat more! it's always more difficult to guard against a lefty...we are so used to the normal right handers...who always wan to force a way from our left....

hee...memories of the court are still the best momentz in my life bah...

my msn was down for the whole day!!! oh well...probably a good time to give myself a break from appearing too often online...

my entire day was so tired today....went doctor visiting again today... a polyclinic this time...waited damn long to get called in...damn damn long to collect medicine....damn damn damn long to get on to a 307 that would send me home...luckily i got my mom to accompany me today...


hmm...i think my previous post has stirred up some unnecessary concerns...erm...i'm fine larz...just that i'm so easily affected by the pple around me...by the environmental factors that i have no control over...not to say i have control over myself either...

wanna feel the happy aura...so please remember to smile when you see me around in sch...you may have made my day without you yourself noticing...


a left-hander...didn't notice until today...but so what?

single-eyelid + left-hander....




i feel so minute!

也许 心里的雨始终没停过...

《心雨》-周杰伦

上梢的月牙
白色的竹篱笆
好想告诉我的她
这里像幅画

去年的圣诞卡
记忆在你的芜杂
画面开始没有她
我还在装傻 噢

说好为我跑挖草
学习摆弄它
学生宿舍空荡荡的角
守着电话却等不到她

心里的雨倾盆的下
也沾不湿她的发
本应该明显跟上的牵挂
那伤心原来没有时差

心里的雨倾盆的下
却始终淋不到她
寒风经过院子里的枝芽
也冷却了我手中的鲜花

as i have said...no hard feelings...

feel like i'm being sucked into the vicious cycle again....

sigh....


哎哟 哎哟 哎哟!!!

been feeling down lately...no particular reason...just some random thoughts in mind...feel lost in direction again...feel that everyone that is close to me is beginning to drift away...is it me? or is it them?

sigh...

sometimes, i really wonder wat level of commitment should i have? sometimes i wonder how commited i am to my friends, and how are they to me?

priorities in life may shift...but my friends stay...i may not be good in expressing myself...but all i want to say is...all my friends out there...yes...every single one of them..does have a place in my heart...

friendship....i think it's getting fragile...a few questions i have for myself...
"have you been meeting up with your close friends lately?" No...
"what have you been doing?" mugging?
"why can't you fork out some time to meet up with them?" hmm...coz they dun seem eager enough to even come out for a simple meal...

haiz...there is a supposed gathering for a dinner or supper either yesterday or today...ah yu initiated...but apparently, priorities shifted for a dunno-what-porridge...no...i'm not pissed...it's just that if you have other activities that are higher in priority...then dun jio an outing with another group of friends....

another matter that i dun understand...when someone ask you out...shouldn't it be basic courteousy to at least send a reply to tell them that you are not free? whatz the point of keeping pple in suspense...wondering even to the last minute if you are going to make a surprise appearance...

ha..something on a funnier note...jj said he is not going becoz he doesn't really like going town...it just makes me wonder is it a problem about the venue or the company? i dun believe he doesn't go town with his other uni friends....well...friends do rank in priority as well ba...shaggerz seem to be splitting apart...and i really can see that happening in the future...

wat a pity...friends for so long...or maybe it's becoz it's too long that we got sick of each other? and we never show appreciation for each other? hmm...maybe some of us just feel more loved by other company of friends....there is no one to be blamed....and no hard feelings....i'm just jotting down what i feel....

sad...becoz the pple that i care for are sad...i'm not good at consoling and comforting pple...but if my mere presence helps...please don't hestitate to get me out....i will still have time to spare for a friend...

i need happy people around me in order to get happy...

sigh....relationships are fragile...perhaps the strongest bond that can ever exist in this world is family ties...no matter how time flies...you will always care for each other and protect them from harms....i thank my parents for everything!

back to priorities in life....hmm....studies? friends? love? money? family? been asked to rank these before...but now...i think i will have a different ans...

1. family
2. studies
3. friends
4. money
5. love

realise that i hold things that i have more in greater importance...no love, so it gotta come in 5th...money? meagre allowance supplemented by tuition...4th...friends? getting fewer and fewer...3rd...

for now...my social circle is beginning to collapse...so...i see my parents and brother as ever more important...and no doubt...studies has always been important to me...




well...it's a long post i guess...

hope those that went for the dinner today are happy...since the sad pple aint around...

failed to meet up with friends this weekend...i dun see myself going out often in the coming dayz...

loner-transformation...probably by unforeseen circumstances....



i hate it when i am so easily affected by how pple around me feel...i just wanna live a simple life...accept whatever things that are granted to me...is it really that difficult?

it's really been awhile since i truly felt happy....guang said i need to love in order to be happy...sigh...dun think so....i'm fine without love actually...so long i have merry company with me....

yanz said that she suddenly feels like getting attached....coz she wans someone to hug her...wat a reason...for me...it will be more like i wanna hug someone...becoz i love that someone...and i'm attached to her...

oh well...i think i shall stop here...if not...i dunno how long more and how much more crap i will write....



*PS: pls dun take wateva i wrote in this particular post too seriously...read it and forget abt it...if not...you better dun read it...i dun wanna anger anyone...i dun wanna hurt anyone's feelings...

wow...it took so long to load this page that i have lost my intent to blog...

well...the cm test is finally over...some minor cok-upz during the test..."could have done better" is all i can say...realised what i had missed out only when i was out of the LT..and i missed that out becoz my revision for last night and this afternoon never came across that section again...should have gone thru the lect note at least once...as a summary of whatz to be known...too bad...but i did my best! so..it's okay...

cm lab today was...hmm...funz? haha...as usual...me blur like sotong...just monkey-see-monkey-do...dun really understand the theory behind every step...but some of the Lab TA's were helpful enough to go around...to be asked for help...haha...though it really took me quite sometime to understand what they say...but still...thankz!

some differences between local and foreign teaching staff in NUS...localz are very helpful people...they tend to extend their help without directly being asked...at least they will go round and ask if we have any question...the foreigners...the china pple...sigh...they dun initiate their wonderful aid to us...we have to really ask and sometimes, their answers were only spoken to the bacteria within 0.5m radius around them...

china lecturers...even worse...they speak to themselves...they ask questions that no one will ever respond to...they are in the world of their own...wonder why they speak so softly in english....no confidence in the language? but i think some of them are better than my powderful english lorz...

i really wish NUS can bring in more lecturers that are proficient in delivering the point that they wanna drive across to us...no monotonous tone pls...we need emphasis on key pts...to wake ourselves up during the boring lectz...


anyway...back to today...decided to give myself a night to slack..and i reall practically do nuthing ever since i reached home...not in the mood to do anything that has to do with school work...only for tonight bahz....

still have a webcast to watch...4 tutz next week...1 lab report due thurs...1 quiz on monday...2 weeks left to work on lsm assignment...

zero lsm effort till now except dutifully attending the heavenly 8am lectz on tues and fri...plus 1 lab so far...

man...why does this sem feel so pressurizing? can't seem to break loose from the tight tight time table for even a short while...can't breathe...

lolz...

finally ended for organic chem revision for the night...

man...i have been mugging so hard these few nights that i have forgotten the date...forgotten to ask my friends how have they been...forgotten to went blog surfing sometimes...forgotten abt her?

sigh...maybe, been busy with studies is good for me...at least i wun have too much time to engage in hslx-activities...but then again...i feel that i have somewhat neglected the pple around me...

am often so engaged in my own thoughts that i couldn't reply immediately to someone's questions...even my attitude to my parents was...(hmm...how should i phrase it)...i would just give them the "i'm busy..DND" behaviour...so bad horz....yah lorz...

but thatz just me bah...when it's time for studies...i will put in 100%...and when it's time to have funz...i will throw in an additional 20%!!!

hereby, apologies to those whom i have unknowingly neglected these few dayz...i promise when i get myself tuned to the pace this sem...i will spare out sometime for everyone!!

and how about this coming sat? anyone has anything in mind? shaggerz....
ecp again?
ktv? though my voice still quite cui...but i really dun mind going...
hmm...or just a simple movie + dinner or lunch?
haha...i wanna go out!!!

before i start embarking on the tutz for next week...and the essay to be submitted in 2 weeks time...and of coz the weekly monday quiz....
haiz~...life's getting hectic with boring mugging that i feel i need a break...some funz...and laughters...

kkz...i still have a 9am cm lab tmr...oh yahz...and that means a lab report to be handed in next week...one more task on my "to-be-done" list...

steep learning curve...tonnez of tutz...insufficient time for a free man like me...thatz uni life...

meanwhile...take care peepz...and be sure that you have been thought of by me when i wrote this post...for those who are happy...stay happy...for those who are not...go find it! or come to me..i will try my very best to at least bring a curvy smile to your face......hopefully i can really do that....

supper's done...shall post an entry before i go to sleep...

anyway...i went to see doctor for a 3rd time...yes! my cough hasn't yet recovered...in fact...it has worsened...Bronchitis!!! my throat can be so itchy that i wish i could just slice it open to stop the itch...yupz...when a stream of air flow thru fast enough..it just triggers the itch deep down inside and i would cough like nobody's business...(sounds like a possible fluids question!! "determine the min vel needed to trigger the cough")...

sorry to those in the LTs that have been disturbed by me....and thankz for bearing with me too!

anyway...today's tuition session was cancelled again...matthew's dad smsed me to call it off...this wed, no session also...coz i needa do a 'last burst of fire' for my cm thurs test...i'm already doing what i can for the preparation of the test...hopefully..thatz enough...

tuition session was changed to doc-visiting session...and this time...saw another doc and was given a super expensive antibioticz....$2/pill...anyone wanna try? haha...54 bucks in total...

so broke...no income from tuition yet..coz left 2 more sessions...will only be able to get the money next week ba...hopefully...need some money to finance my batam trip lehz...

a few deadlines and dayz that i need to note down:

-thurs cm lab 1
-thurs cm test
-webcast lect for mkting
-weekly imparo deadline
-weekly revision for monday cn2123 quiz
-many many tutz (on a got-time-to-do-then-do basis)
-22nd sept: deadline for lsm essay 1 (i think)

-23rd sept: midterm break. Batam trip.

week 4 already...2 more weeks then and it will be a short tactical haul...is time to prep for some mid term testz...and more dealines....

this sem is going on quite hectically...busy busy...sick sick...

get well soon...and get free also!!!

take care!

sometimes, i really wonder why do i give myself so much stress? why do i have high expectations for myself? no one forces me to get all A's...it's not like i would be killed if i get a B or C...

sigh...

maybe it's because i used to be the best...thatz why i'm constantly striving to be 'up there'...

self-inflicted stress...so unhealthy...


perhapz...everything will turn out just fine if i put in my best...

whatz the point of me thinking so much about the possible consequences when nothing has yet happened?

just put in whatever i have and pray hard!!!


haha...cheerz

have you ever stare at a piece of tutorial for hours....

wasted 2 to 3 pieces of paper....

flipped thru the notes umpteen times...

and yet...you still dunno wat the question is asking...

dunno wat to do...


a sense of helpless-ness...

hopeless-ness...

please shine some light on me....i need it!

it's been a month...

so fast....

but i feel like i aint moving from the spot where i was a month ago.....


still learning...

the art of letting go...

the art of taking things easy....

0025 - still awake...

in fact, i just stopped my reading for marketing not too long ago...okay...should be quite some time ago le....anway...chatting with some friends over the lsm lab questions...

damn stressful larz...everything also need to do...everything also graded...everything also need to know...

a few songs to end my night...

范逸臣 - 不说出的温柔

梁朝伟 - 偷偷爱你

庾澄庆 - 戒不掉

你很爱他

北极圈

眷恋

the last three are F.I.R new songs....3 of my fav in the album...hee...





well...i think i should hang around less often in engin canteen....keep bumming into someone...dunno wat to say to her..."hello...吃饭啊?"....thatz all...

someone said today that she belongs to the "不耐看"-type...haha...no comments....

i shan't comment...to prevent myself from saying the wrong things...

week 3 doesn't feel like week 3...workload rising but effort's still equivalent to week 2's...unhealthy signs...

OUT!!! i wanna go out!!! but dun think can afford the time...even though i'm already with minimum commitmentz...

2 tests up for next week...ORGANIC CHEM is gonna be a killer...mug mug mug..。






"我已不想多说 捂著耳 不想再次听到你说 你很爱他"
-- 你很爱他

"我不要求什么 我只想不别打扰 把爱留在街角 就当你永远不会看到"
-- 北极圈