life's playing a prank on me...

life really likes to play prank on me...

just when i was at my least alert...just when i let down my guard...just when i least expected it...she walked thru the door...

only then...that i realized how little have we reduced to...to see and just force a smile...to pretend not to see...i dunno what exactly happened...i dunno how it happened...

but all there's left for me...were just sorrows and pity...pity for how things are right now already...

i think i still do care alot for her...but i dunno how to...and i actually dun really want to...coz i know she will do fine...very much better than i would myself...

and i think i still could not bring myself to face her...not becoz of something i had done...but becoz things are just not the same anymore...i can't pretend that nothing happened...coz every word i said then was genuine...

and the words she said to a friend (me) ...still kinda hurt me even till now...though she might nvr realize...i was very hurt....

i have a weak heart...i dun think i can take too much of such emotional rollercoaster....emotional turmoil anymore...i might just die young from unhappiness and misery...i might collapse with a punctured heart...

so it's better that i stay faraway...that she stops appearing in my life...that she doesn't catch me when i am least expecting an encounter....that i dun have to face her...that i dun have to pretend not to care when i actually care soo much...

somewhere over the rainbow

this is what i caught as i went out for tuition today...
probably the only good thing from a sunny rain...

for a moment...i was mesmerized...
like the other pple who stopped and awed...

if you look closely...there's a faint rainbow over the rainbow...
but my photo isn't zhai enough for shots like this...

but believe me...it's really beautiful...
in fact this shot i took had the left side blocked...
the whole rainbow actually stretched over the entire sky..

how nice...

it's been long since a rainbow like this appear in the sky...
lets hope things start to get better...

the entire economy...
the pple finding jobs...
the students graduating...

everyone...

including you...
including me...

What is your True Fear?

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Being Alone While you may act like you don't care on the outside, on the inside your biggest fear is being alone. You can be quite shy and reserved. You feel like a lot of times people don't really see the real you. You're afraid that no one will really truly love you, and that you will be alone for the rest of your life. On the inside you are great person, so just remember that and don't let your shy nature get the best of you! If you don't want to be a lone then you need to make an effort to be with someone. Show the people that you care about that you really love them, and chances are someone will always be there, even if you think they won't.
Losing Someone
Disappointment
Looked down on
Death
Where Your life is Going
Commitment
What is your True Fear? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

如果这是我爱你最好的距离

hmm...haven't been blogging for quite some time...not becoz i'm busy...i'm quite free still...despite having things to clear...but more becoz i didn't want to revisit my feelings...my feelings for a friend...someone who used to be 'special' enough...

we haven't been talking to each other for quite some time...and it struck me by surprise the other day when she msged me on msn...asking if i am mad at her or something...and that was then...that i realized that i really no longer know how to talk to her...

perhaps i'm too much...but if she didn't know wat went wrong...i find it difficult for me to put in words...and i didnt want to feel the way i felt perviously anymore...and more imptly...i think these were for my own good...

anyway...this was how i replied...
"if u really wanna know..."
"i dunno..but i think i dunno how to talk to you anymore.."
"coz everytime i talk u seemed to get frustrated..."
"so i would rather not talk unnecesarily"

and that, to a certain extent was true...either that or i would get no replies...so why should i bother myself with these?

i don't know if i sounded harsh or rude or curt...but i said something like "not impt anymore" in the end...

and on that day itself...i actually chanced upon her on the way to the LT...it was weird...i felt the awkwardness...i bet she saw me...i saw her too...there were just 4 pple...but we didn't exchange wordz...not even smilez....


and today...at the career fair...i was so lousy that my heart actualli missed a beat when i saw her walking towards the same booth...i could only turn myself around and pretend i didnt see nobody...

and if God was playing a prank on me...we ended up taking the same lift down to level one...i knew she went in...and i actually thot of turning and take the stairs instead...but i didn't want unnecessary suspicions from others...so i went into the lift also...i forced a smile...and tried to exchange some short wordz....but it was no longer the same anymore...

it's so brief...so 陌生...i guess it tells...

haiz....i'm so lousy...this incident is enough to make me not sleep and typing away at my venting zone...

thinking back...we haven't talk in person for at least 4 months? why must this streak break today?


and i have so many pple that i haven't seen for ages commenting on how tanned i become...and i dyed my hair...but nothing of these sort from her....in fact...i was already quite surprised we even chatted that few lines...coz at that moment...i tot i should break the little awkwardness i felt...oh well...


i think some pple may think tt i'm hiding away...that i'm being a coward...

maybe thatz true....but if u knew how i feel...it really aches to lose a friend like this...but it's even more painful to keep losing faith in the same friend if the thing drag on...so i figured that putting this to a temporal stop would serve me good...

i don't know how long this stop will last...perhaps it will last forever...but if it's good for me now...i would do just tat...

sorry....but i have to start thinking for myself...

the end

if you haven't realized, we stopped talking.

i wonder who was the first one who stop. I really dunno but i got so tired of the friendship we had. so i decided to let it go totally. It's of course not easy for me. for i have put in quite a lot. But all i got were frustration and hurtful words. empty talks. things that i would rather live without. coz everything led to disappointments. and i dun wanna be disappointed in you anymore.

i guess it didn't matter to you anyway.

but this way, it's perhaps better for me.