如果这是我爱你最好的距离

hmm...haven't been blogging for quite some time...not becoz i'm busy...i'm quite free still...despite having things to clear...but more becoz i didn't want to revisit my feelings...my feelings for a friend...someone who used to be 'special' enough...

we haven't been talking to each other for quite some time...and it struck me by surprise the other day when she msged me on msn...asking if i am mad at her or something...and that was then...that i realized that i really no longer know how to talk to her...

perhaps i'm too much...but if she didn't know wat went wrong...i find it difficult for me to put in words...and i didnt want to feel the way i felt perviously anymore...and more imptly...i think these were for my own good...

anyway...this was how i replied...
"if u really wanna know..."
"i dunno..but i think i dunno how to talk to you anymore.."
"coz everytime i talk u seemed to get frustrated..."
"so i would rather not talk unnecesarily"

and that, to a certain extent was true...either that or i would get no replies...so why should i bother myself with these?

i don't know if i sounded harsh or rude or curt...but i said something like "not impt anymore" in the end...

and on that day itself...i actually chanced upon her on the way to the LT...it was weird...i felt the awkwardness...i bet she saw me...i saw her too...there were just 4 pple...but we didn't exchange wordz...not even smilez....


and today...at the career fair...i was so lousy that my heart actualli missed a beat when i saw her walking towards the same booth...i could only turn myself around and pretend i didnt see nobody...

and if God was playing a prank on me...we ended up taking the same lift down to level one...i knew she went in...and i actually thot of turning and take the stairs instead...but i didn't want unnecessary suspicions from others...so i went into the lift also...i forced a smile...and tried to exchange some short wordz....but it was no longer the same anymore...

it's so brief...so 陌生...i guess it tells...

haiz....i'm so lousy...this incident is enough to make me not sleep and typing away at my venting zone...

thinking back...we haven't talk in person for at least 4 months? why must this streak break today?


and i have so many pple that i haven't seen for ages commenting on how tanned i become...and i dyed my hair...but nothing of these sort from her....in fact...i was already quite surprised we even chatted that few lines...coz at that moment...i tot i should break the little awkwardness i felt...oh well...


i think some pple may think tt i'm hiding away...that i'm being a coward...

maybe thatz true....but if u knew how i feel...it really aches to lose a friend like this...but it's even more painful to keep losing faith in the same friend if the thing drag on...so i figured that putting this to a temporal stop would serve me good...

i don't know how long this stop will last...perhaps it will last forever...but if it's good for me now...i would do just tat...

sorry....but i have to start thinking for myself...