RevamPinG....Just a BloG...

IT show 2010

2010-03-14T21:17:00.002+08:00

The weekend was one quite extraordinary...i did something i have never done before in my 25 yrs of life...dunno-how-many-yrs of singlehood...and the photo tells it all...

i was at the IT show 2010 on friday coz me and my colleagues went for some seminar which was proved quite irrelevant to our industry....

nonetheless, the weekend highlight at suntec was the IT show 2010...

and like any other IT fair...it was crowded everywhere...and lets zoom to the main pt... THERE WAS THIS DAMN HOT SHOWGIRL for HTC...really super pretty....this photo doesn't do her total justice...the real person looks very much more prettier than this already-pretty pic...

nice features...hot bods...everything a ger would dream for...and everything a guy would die for...plus the very sexy, tight HTC outfit....omg!! and coerced by my colleague....i plucked up some courage to approach her for this photo taken... :)

went back on sat as i wanted to get a camera...while waiting for my friend to come....i went up level 6 again to the HTC booth...daring huh? yup...came up with some crap reasons to chat her up abit...then tried to ask for her number...but bang! 被打枪! so sad...

i have nvr done this before...i have nvr approached a stranger for a photo taken...nvr approach a stranger for her number....i, myself, felt quite awkward...i guess the ger would feel even worse...i mean it's really not in sg's culture to do such things yay? or maybe i'm just not handsome enough....sad~!!!!

quite disappointed...it would be great if she had agreed to be friends...

haiz...the weekend is over....

so wake up, zs!

no more showgirl!!! :(

2009-12-01T20:46:00.002+08:00

whatz the pt of trying when you knw you are going to fail?

why do you raise my expectation only to dash all my hopes in the end?

things that i dun understand......

it's so hard to comprehend....

have i always been using the same approach? the sure-fail approach?

i dunno...but i dun see alot of ways to love a person i love....

hmm...wholeheartedly? wat other ways?

tell me

2009-11-27T12:00:00.002+08:00

dream vs reality....

i prefer the former....but i wake up feeling the exact opposite of the harsh reality....it often makes me feel miserable...that something is truly missing....something called love....and another called passion....

do you knw that you stopped being friendly to me? i feel it so strongly....i dunno if you're being deliberate or wat....but i feel sad....so much so that i dunno if i should start distanting myself away....but as much as i want to do that...i knw i will have difficulty....

2009-11-25T22:25:00.001+08:00

it was exactly one month ago....

what abt one month later?

nobody knws what will be left of me one mth later.....

i dunno it myself....

2009-11-24T22:37:00.002+08:00

looking back...many things have happened in the previous one month....so much so that i lost track of what have happened...

thinking back....maybe i shouldn't have crossed that line again...

but pple often regret their actions...like i always know wat's the right thing to do...but always ended up doing the opposite....well...i'm really a contradicting person....

2009-11-24T21:31:00.002+08:00

this blog is getting busy....not a good sign....

haiz...

it's the dec season yet again....every xmas has been the same....

i yearn for a different xmas this yr....but i really doubt it will be....

so hard to focus....so hard to let go....so hard to forget.... but i'm really trying....i hope i dun have to try....but well....life has been brutal to me....

had i been looking for comfort? or all this while, had i been looking for love from you?

i'm not sure...but i'm sure feeling quite miserable now...coz of the things that have happened....coz of the things i did....coz of the things you nvr do....

2009-11-24T19:16:00.001+08:00

如果没有你

hey…我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里

hey…我真的好想你
太多的情绪没适当的表情
最想说的话我应该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你

如果没有你
没有过去我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你

如果没有你
我在哪里又有什么可惜
反正一切来不及
反正没有了自已

hey…我真的好想你
不知道你现在到底在哪里
你是否也像我一样在想你

2009-11-24T19:09:00.001+08:00

我怀念的

我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口

我放手我让座
假洒脱谁懂我多么不舍得

太爱了所以我
没有哭没有说

2009-11-23T22:16:00.001+08:00

am i feeling good?

no.

i feel awful. esp when i'm alone.

but well. no one can help me. only her. but i doubt she will.

2009-11-23T21:32:00.002+08:00

爱我好吗

虽然收敛了许多的情感
还是泄露了我的不安
于是你开始冷淡
我也开始问自己该怎么办

如果你知道我的遗憾
千万不要再不以为然
我的生活已经混乱
到处漂流却始终靠不了岸

这是我最后
最美最真
最心碎的留言

oh 爱我好吗
我愿意让伤心再来一遍
只要你留一个位置给我
哪怕是在你心中
最容易被忽略的角落

2009-11-22T14:22:00.001+08:00

expect the unexpected....

but only accept what you have wanted....

nope...it's not me that you wanted....

2009-11-22T13:32:00.003+08:00

curse to the one that created emotions.....damn him for inventing love....

i hate you!!!!!!! for creating this thing in the human world and make us suffer!!!!!!! or maybe it's just me who is suffering...

but damn it!!!!! i hate you!!!!!

2009-11-16T21:34:00.001+08:00

it feels like i'm going thru a rough patch again...

nothing particularly bad...but i think things are bad enough...

but i just dun feel good...nothing good....

why is nothing good happening to me?

2009-11-15T22:32:00.000+08:00

i need love...

2009-10-20T22:05:00.001+08:00

perhaps all these while...i know what were the right thing to do...

but i always ended up doing the completely opposite....

this time....i shall do it right...

maybe...

2009-10-19T00:20:00.003+08:00

i almost forgot i once had a blog...

it's been sometime since i last visited here...and i doubt anyone still checks out this site...

anyways, i didn't intend to get back to my blogging dayz...for i believe, at least for me, that i only blog when i'm feeling down...but somehow, i feel quite emo today...and i'm actually trying very hard to refrain from such feelings...

maybe it's the meet up with ming yang and all...for haoyun's departure to china on monday...when we talked abt lotsa stuffs...include relationship...maybe the feeling has always been suppressed within me...and yest night is just wat it takes to make it re-emerge from the depth it was previously hidden...anyway...i have no intent to have it resurface...or perhaps...i dun have the courage to do that...

am abit surprised to knw that ming yang has turned to christianity due to his fair share of emotional problem...and am equally surprised to knw that felix tan zhi hao is secretly planning something...

well..hope all will be well for them...

and as for me...i dun wish to fall deep into the same pit...the pit that i had managed to climb out of from//...erm...2 yrs back?

yup...i'm referring to carine...somehow...we have been meeting quite frequent for meals...and even a movie last week...something that, i would say, not possible before...these, of cos, were all initiated by me...but somehow, things feel quite different from the past...she seems to be more friendly towards me...and definitely not as evasive...

i know i shouldn't even think abt it...cos pple always say that if it didn't work out the 1st time...it most definitely wouldn't on the 2nd attempt...nonetheless...i do really enjoy meeting her...but perhaps it is doing me more harm than good...but i'm gonna try very very hard to treat it as a normal friendship that i'm gonna treasure...

i guess i have a soft spot for the gals that i have liked before....

haiz...what to do...i just hope i wake up the next day feeling strong and ready for the many challenges ahead...and my focus shouldn't be on relationship...since it so often brings me nowhere...i dun see any exception this time...

2009-08-22T21:44:00.001+08:00

只不过想好好的爱一次啊

2009-08-05T19:32:00.002+08:00

nope...my close friends didn't do what they could...in fact...not many pple know abt it except u guys...

....but i did what i think i should....i dunno if i'm doing myself anything good....but perhaps for the time being...living in a world thatz void of news regarding her and him is good for me....

or maybe i should talk abt it openly....afterall....i didn't lose anything....i dun have anything to begin with....but just my heart....which i believe...has gone thru more than this....i believe time will heal all wounds....and i still believe in that.....

and cut the crap of how loved you felt from all the friends' wishes......you feel loved coz he loves you....everything just becomes sweeter......nothing else really matters as much.....

every ger is the same....i figured that out finally.....i have yet found an exception....i have yet found my special one....

2009-08-03T23:03:00.002+08:00

there's no reason why i dun wanna talk to you.

if u understand, i have always wanted to.

but i know i shouldnt, coz i'm lousy at managing my emotions.

and i guess it's better for me this way.

i need time. i dunno how long. maybe it will be soon.

or maybe not. coz everytime i love. i put in 110%.

2009-08-03T21:38:00.000+08:00

teach me how to unlove

2009-07-30T21:52:00.000+08:00

世界若是那麽大为何我要忘你无处逃

2009-07-26T15:50:00.002+08:00

i actualli miss chatting with u on msn.

where have u been?

are u really irritated by me?

i miss you....though i don't want to...but i still DO miss you...

2009-07-22T18:22:00.001+08:00

please tell me that u forgot...not that you dun wan to reply...
please tell me that you didn't receive my msg....even if it's a lie...

2009-07-08T22:45:00.003+08:00

如烟 - 五月天

我坐在床前
望着窗外回忆满天
生命是华丽错觉
时间是贼偷走一切

七岁的那一年
抓住那只蝉
以为能抓住夏天
十七岁的那年
吻过他的脸
就以为和他能永远

有没有那麽一种永远
永远不改变
拥抱过的美丽
都再也不破碎
让险峻岁月不能

在脸上撒野
让生离和死别都遥远
有谁能听见

我坐在床前
转过头看谁在沉睡
那一张苍老的脸
好像是我紧闭双眼
曾经是爱我的
和我深爱的
都围绕在我身边
带不走的那些
遗憾和眷恋
就化成最后一滴眼泪

有没有那麽一滴眼泪
能洗掉后悔
化成大雨降落在
回不去的街
再给我一次机会
将故事改写
还欠了他一生的
一句抱歉

有没有那麽一个世界
永远不天黑
星星太阳万物都
听我的指挥
月亮不忙着圆缺
春天不走远
树梢紧紧拥抱着树叶
有谁能听见

耳际眼前此生重演
是我来自漆黑
而又回归漆黑
人间瞬间天地之间
下次我又是谁

有没有那麽一朵玫瑰
永远不凋谢
永远骄傲和完美
永远不妥协
为何人生最后会像
一张纸屑
还不如一片花瓣
曾经鲜艳

有没有那麽一张书签
停止那一天
最单纯的笑脸和
最美那一年
书包里面装满了
蛋糕和汽水
双眼只有无猜和无邪
让我们无法无天

有没有那麽一首诗篇
找不到句点
青春永远定居在
我们的岁月
男孩和女孩都有
吉他和舞鞋
笑忘人间的苦痛
只有甜美

有没有那麽一个明天
重头活一遍
让我再次感受
曾挥霍的昨天
无论生存或生活
我都不浪费
不让故事这麽的后悔
有谁能听见
我不要告别

我坐在床前
看着指尖已经如烟

hmm

2009-07-05T22:22:00.001+08:00

i don't know why...but i actually miss her very much...

haha...i guess i really njoy talking to her on msn...

sorrie

2009-07-02T23:14:00.001+08:00

have i pissed you off?

i'm sorry if i had...

and i really dun dare to msn/sms u anymore...

i'm scared that i had been too irritating...

sigh~

just hope that u will be getting on fine...which i believe you will...

=)

2009-06-30T22:16:00.002+08:00

don't make me feel so insignificant...so unimportant...

it hurts...as much as i dun wanna think abt it...it still hurts...

2009-06-30T03:29:00.003+08:00

"hahahahahaz!!! we beri close meh!?!?!?!"

obviously...we are not...

but can't you even tell that i'm trying to bring us closer?

with me trying to ask you out...indvly...in grps...and with all sorts of reasons that seem natural...or sometimes spontaneous...i just wanna spend more time knowing you and give u the chance to know me....but apparently it's not happening....you always got a reason to turn me down...

be it blading.
another dinner.
or a movie thatz abt to go onscreen.
or sun yanzi's concert.

and i dun understand how u can have so many meetings with friends that can easily stretch over 2 weeks...and when i tried to ask u in advance for a movie date...u told me to see how when the date draws nearer (when it's like just within a week away)

i dunno if it's intentionally or wat...but it sure makes me demoralized...

i have to admit...i'm really losing steam...

and pple ard me are giving me very different advices...

some encouragements....some telling me to move on....

i'm really at a loss still...

hmm....maybe getting closer with me is not wat you want...i dunno....but i only know that i'm not exactly ready to give up hope yet...i dunno how it will turn out...but i guess the time may not be right afterall....

ecp

2009-06-26T00:29:00.001+08:00

went ecp for blading today....with hong keat, wenyong, junhao and anqi...

well....fell a few times....but none as hard as how i have fallen for you....

if only jiayou helps

2009-06-24T00:31:00.002+08:00

i really think that the game called 'love' isn't something anyone is capable with...

i hate to regard love as a game...but in many aspects...it sure resembles one...

it's full of uncertainties!

there's no hard and fast rule!

there's no sure win formula!

and sometimes, even efforts just go down the drain!

i think it has got alot to do with timing....the amount and type and interval of efforts....

timing is the thing i cannot quite catch....coz most of the time...i dunno wat the ger is thinking...and mind reading is nvr my forte!

argh! it's kinda torturing me!

but i'm still gonna try...coz i still believe in this thing called 'Love'...and until the day that i found my true love....i will keep on trying!

the 1st date

2009-06-23T00:58:00.002+08:00

well, with regards to this first date with her, i actually have loads of mixed feelings about it. did it turn out good or not? i really couldn't tell. there were moments of laughters, moments of awkward silence. and i even sensed a little bit of frustration towards the end. whether was it frustration towards me? or due to the warm weather? or simply becoz things didn't totally go smoothly (there were some cok-up but funnie moments)? no matter what the reason, i really couldn't tell and i don't know.

hmm. we met for a ramen dinner @ the central shopping mall in clarke quay. the food was good. so no problem with that. after the meal, we walked over the liang court coz i thought of introducing the yuzu (pomelo) sorbet ice cream at gelato in the mediya jap supermarket. had a bit of ice cream testing there. and we ended up getting a yuzu for myself and a green tea for her.

next we walked over to find a spot to sit down along the river. where we had some small chats and finished off the ice cream. hmm. how should i say. there were some moments when both of us didn't know what to say. and from all the non-verbal gestures that i observed, it seemed that she was not receptive to me.

when the warm started getting to us, i suggested to go check out if the teh-peng that she mentioned was nice was still open. and as expected it wasn't. so while we thought and couldn't really find a place to go, she asked if i wanted to go home already. then i suggested that we walk to the Art House for a drink for the warm night. well, she didn't seem to mind. so we started making our way there. only to later realize that we aint familiar with the road.

we ended up walking the exact opposite direction. until we reach UE sq where her shoe strap broke. i could tell that with that, and the night's heat, she was getting quite irritated and frustration. though i don't know if i contribute to that also.

and so, we walked back and ended up in the mac in liang court where i bought her a green tea while i went to get super glue for her to glue her shoe back. i mean that was the only nice thing i could do right?

anyway. the night didn't last long from then (it wasn't very early already anyway). had a little bit more of rest before we made way for home. i insisted on sending her home. (something which i feel a gentleman should do on a 1st date). so we took the NE line until hougang mrt where she so coincidentally saw her brother. so it all ended there. i didn't get the chance to walk her further. and something that irritated me at that moment was that i actually felt that she felt a sign of relief when she saw her brother. anyway. i passed her the choc that i wanted to give to her there before i turned and made my way home.

so that was all abt the date.

we exchanged some sms-es and chatted abit more online before i went to bed. very abrupt chats on msn as usual. with her ending the conversation so quickly.

i may read alot into pple's responses to me. coz i believe that they really tell alot about how that person thinks of u. how they regard u. how significant are u. yepz. and all i can say abt her responses to me are that she is not forthcoming.

i have been trying. making the effort. which i don't think she can't tell at all. but i don't feel her reciprocating that yet. maybe not yet. maybe she will nvr.

and our msn conversations have sort of become like that also. always me initiating the chat. and always her ending it abruptly.

so tell me what do these mean? am i reading too much into it again?

maybe i already know the answer, but i simply refuse to accept it until she tells that to me directly.

i always have this problem.

i dunno. i really dunno. dunno how she thinks. dunno what i should do. dunno how should i do what i should do. even though many pple have given me advice. i am still pretty much at a loss.

dun intend to push too hard.

but please be less harsh on me. i just need a very obvious sign. then i will know what i should do.

2009-06-18T17:47:00.002+08:00

i'm actualli feeling nervous...

like preparing for an interview...

i dunno why...

just hope everything goes well and as natural as possible...

=)

2009-06-13T02:06:00.002+08:00

i dunno if it's becoz it's convenient or for some other reason...

i really think it's not a cool idea to put 2 dinner dates into one same one...

even if i know the other party..that doesn't mean i dun mind being in such a situation...

i'm still trying to figure out the rationale...good or bad...i dunno...i would nvr know...

it's either she's blur or i'm reading too much...

either way...tatz not really the way i would desire it to happen...

in land of oz!

2009-05-30T15:22:00.002+08:00

for those who surf my blog and wonder where the hell am i!

i'm still stuck in Aussie land! till 9th June!

as a matter of fact....i'm beginning to miss home...and all the good things in singapore!

i miss my mom's cooking!! i miss tennis!!!

i'm just afraid i miss out on too many chances...

haaa...and that my friends dun miss me!

lolz./..

A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz

2009-05-08T10:47:00.003+08:00

You've got the best of both worlds

You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
Based on your body language,
your shouted cursive I've been reading
You're style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And it's a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are

Here we are( x7)

We're still here

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words in priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

--------------------------------

recently hooked to jason mraz' songs...they just sound unique...and every song has its classic line for each indv...deep!...pretty cool songs i must say...

leaving on a jet plane....

2009-05-07T23:08:00.002+08:00

to the land of wallaRoozzzz!!!!

haha...yup yupz...for a good one month!!! lolz...it better be GoOd man! am actually pretty excited abt it...anyway some mixed feelings about this whole one month...

i'm beginning to feel if one month is actually too long actualli...coz alot of things can happen in a month...good ones...bad ones...and going on a long trip overseas is really no joke...but looking at the itinerary so far...it looks like the duration is just nice...

i just hope that good thing will wait for me till i come back...and everything can become better and stuff...perhaps some pple may know what i mean...but i don't wanna disclose yet...and i really want to take things easy and naturally this time...coz i dun wanna mess this up...she's too good for me to mess it up...i will not be able to forgive myself...=)

so far...it's been nice...at least i feel so...=)

hope she njoy herself for her naruwan trip also!

anyway...my travel buddies are my fellow chem eng friends...2 of them: ghim song and felix...couldn't get a 3rd and 4th ...haha..but well...i'm sure we are all out to njoy in aussieland man!!! wootz!!!

not much time left before i start my working life...actualli feeling abit sore abt the fact that i'm no longer a student...can no longer afford to make stupid mistakes...and no more fooling around...hmm...thatz pretty sad right?!?!?!

and the fact that certain thing happens too late...may be good or bad...i dunno yet...

dun dare to base it on my gut feeling...coz it has seldom been accurate these days...

expectations are the tough things to deal with...how to lower expectations...of urself...and of others...

i admit i'm really lousy at this game...but i'm still trying...and i am not giving up hope despite previous failed attempts...

bless me...hope that 2009 will take a turn in june! =)

reservations

2009-04-20T00:14:00.002+08:00

yes, i'm having reservation...but it's not abt if i wanna be friendly to u...coz i had been...and i know t didn't work out...so why should i persist? esp after trying for so long...i did give up in the end, you know...

there may be alot of things that you know...and somehow...i figured out some on my own too....that you nvr really mean wat you say...coz u say things so lightly that most of the time...you forgot that you even say that...

and you take things pple do for you for granted...okie..maybe i am being harsh to say that...but you haven't proven to me that i'm wrong abt that pt...in fact...without fail...you have been validating the very fact that you are too self-centred to even bother abt pple around you...

my qn is: did you even try? and how hard did you try? to savage the situation...the friendship that we had...the one that u so unintentionally spoilt...so senselessly...so non-chalantly...

so...i'm saying to u....forget abt the ipod shuffle...i actualli expected that you will forget totally abt it...let alone lost it....you just nvr fail to show me again...that i meant nothing...and watever i did before were just unasked for...were just things that i insisted but not welcomed...

-------------------------------------

okie...on a lighter note...i do have reservations...
but it's abt another matter altogether....but i'm actualli in a dilemma of what i should do...esp when sch days are ending just like this...there might not be anymore chance to see each other...or bump into one another again....

i just regret that i got to know you personally so late in my NUS yrs....

and i'm having reservations of being friendly coz i'm afraid of the repercussions that i so often received...

hmm...a little lost of wat to do with this...

have been losing faith so often that i'm afraid that the same old thing could, well, just happen again....

tell me wat to do...give me a sign....

2009-04-13T23:39:00.001+08:00

tried and failed...tried and failed....

tired...

now i dunno if i should...

coz i'm afraid of the consequences...that thing would somehow be the same as what had happened before...

i dunno if i should....

tell me that i should/shouldn't...

i need a sign...

fark!

2009-04-08T19:39:00.000+08:00

sorrie for the title...i can't find a better word to describe how i feel at this moment.

well...tmr is report submission...i can't believe they still have this fark care attitude...correct me if i'm wrong...coz i dunno whatz goin on...coz i can't even BLARDY contact them...

and no one wants to settle it....fine!

tmd! if it's still sat and sun...i'm perfectly fine....i know everyone is busy with other things....SO AM I!!!! got a test...and ghim has 2 on thurs....and why are we still doing so much for the stupid report?

when someone just use the mouth and talk...and some just nvr talk...and one just can;t be contacted to even talk...

farking viet!!! switch on ur phone larz....ccb!

where is the commitment and effort? at least show it this week mah! i dun think everyone is so FARKING BUSY!

i mean i haven't even worked on my design 2 part...and i wanna settle my test 1st....plus this shit...and u guys just play hide and seek with me?

i feel nothing but anger now lar! seriously...

it takes me 4 yrs to realize how to choose proj mates....

2 cat of pple u should avoid:

1. pple whom u are too close for leisure activities (eg. dota, drink) but not work.
2. pple whom u totally dunno and who english is so damn farking lousy and refuse to communicate....i mean if u wanna hide in ur shell...go back to ur country! u wun survive here!

nvm...no more nus projz to come....

utterly disappointed...

losing grip

2009-03-29T19:08:00.000+08:00

as the title says.

were we ever close?

2009-03-16T23:21:00.000+08:00

is the question i would like to ask...

but i'm afraid to find out the ans...

coz it's not the same anymore...

it would nvr be the same again...

coz there's no way i could revert to the past...

there's no way coz things had happened/not happened for some reasons...

and even if i didn't like it...everything has changed...

the way i treat you...

the way u treat me...

i can only say watever i did...i did them with my heart...

even though they went unnoticed...unappreciated...

you dun have to lie about that...

coz it can be felt...

and i really feel that...

thatz why i decided to stop...

and i really dun intend to continue from there...

and so it is...

take care.

life's playing a prank on me...

2009-02-27T19:33:00.000+08:00

life really likes to play prank on me...

just when i was at my least alert...just when i let down my guard...just when i least expected it...she walked thru the door...

only then...that i realized how little have we reduced to...to see and just force a smile...to pretend not to see...i dunno what exactly happened...i dunno how it happened...

but all there's left for me...were just sorrows and pity...pity for how things are right now already...

i think i still do care alot for her...but i dunno how to...and i actually dun really want to...coz i know she will do fine...very much better than i would myself...

and i think i still could not bring myself to face her...not becoz of something i had done...but becoz things are just not the same anymore...i can't pretend that nothing happened...coz every word i said then was genuine...

and the words she said to a friend (me) ...still kinda hurt me even till now...though she might nvr realize...i was very hurt....

i have a weak heart...i dun think i can take too much of such emotional rollercoaster....emotional turmoil anymore...i might just die young from unhappiness and misery...i might collapse with a punctured heart...

so it's better that i stay faraway...that she stops appearing in my life...that she doesn't catch me when i am least expecting an encounter....that i dun have to face her...that i dun have to pretend not to care when i actually care soo much...

somewhere over the rainbow

2009-02-25T18:18:00.000+08:00

this is what i caught as i went out for tuition today...
probably the only good thing from a sunny rain...

for a moment...i was mesmerized...
like the other pple who stopped and awed...

if you look closely...there's a faint rainbow over the rainbow...
but my photo isn't zhai enough for shots like this...

but believe me...it's really beautiful...
in fact this shot i took had the left side blocked...
the whole rainbow actually stretched over the entire sky..

how nice...

it's been long since a rainbow like this appear in the sky...
lets hope things start to get better...

the entire economy...
the pple finding jobs...
the students graduating...

everyone...

including you...
including me...

What is your True Fear?

2009-02-14T16:52:00.000+08:00

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Being Alone While you may act like you don't care on the outside, on the inside your biggest fear is being alone. You can be quite shy and reserved. You feel like a lot of times people don't really see the real you. You're afraid that no one will really truly love you, and that you will be alone for the rest of your life. On the inside you are great person, so just remember that and don't let your shy nature get the best of you! If you don't want to be a lone then you need to make an effort to be with someone. Show the people that you care about that you really love them, and chances are someone will always be there, even if you think they won't.
Losing Someone
Disappointment
Looked down on
Death
Where Your life is Going
Commitment
What is your True Fear? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

如果这是我爱你最好的距离

2009-02-12T19:34:00.000+08:00

hmm...haven't been blogging for quite some time...not becoz i'm busy...i'm quite free still...despite having things to clear...but more becoz i didn't want to revisit my feelings...my feelings for a friend...someone who used to be 'special' enough...

we haven't been talking to each other for quite some time...and it struck me by surprise the other day when she msged me on msn...asking if i am mad at her or something...and that was then...that i realized that i really no longer know how to talk to her...

perhaps i'm too much...but if she didn't know wat went wrong...i find it difficult for me to put in words...and i didnt want to feel the way i felt perviously anymore...and more imptly...i think these were for my own good...

anyway...this was how i replied...
"if u really wanna know..."
"i dunno..but i think i dunno how to talk to you anymore.."
"coz everytime i talk u seemed to get frustrated..."
"so i would rather not talk unnecesarily"

and that, to a certain extent was true...either that or i would get no replies...so why should i bother myself with these?

i don't know if i sounded harsh or rude or curt...but i said something like "not impt anymore" in the end...

and on that day itself...i actually chanced upon her on the way to the LT...it was weird...i felt the awkwardness...i bet she saw me...i saw her too...there were just 4 pple...but we didn't exchange wordz...not even smilez....

and today...at the career fair...i was so lousy that my heart actualli missed a beat when i saw her walking towards the same booth...i could only turn myself around and pretend i didnt see nobody...

and if God was playing a prank on me...we ended up taking the same lift down to level one...i knew she went in...and i actually thot of turning and take the stairs instead...but i didn't want unnecessary suspicions from others...so i went into the lift also...i forced a smile...and tried to exchange some short wordz....but it was no longer the same anymore...

it's so brief...so 陌生...i guess it tells...

haiz....i'm so lousy...this incident is enough to make me not sleep and typing away at my venting zone...

thinking back...we haven't talk in person for at least 4 months? why must this streak break today?

and i have so many pple that i haven't seen for ages commenting on how tanned i become...and i dyed my hair...but nothing of these sort from her....in fact...i was already quite surprised we even chatted that few lines...coz at that moment...i tot i should break the little awkwardness i felt...oh well...

i think some pple may think tt i'm hiding away...that i'm being a coward...

maybe thatz true....but if u knew how i feel...it really aches to lose a friend like this...but it's even more painful to keep losing faith in the same friend if the thing drag on...so i figured that putting this to a temporal stop would serve me good...

i don't know how long this stop will last...perhaps it will last forever...but if it's good for me now...i would do just tat...

sorry....but i have to start thinking for myself...

the end

2009-02-03T17:23:00.000+08:00

if you haven't realized, we stopped talking.

i wonder who was the first one who stop. I really dunno but i got so tired of the friendship we had. so i decided to let it go totally. It's of course not easy for me. for i have put in quite a lot. But all i got were frustration and hurtful words. empty talks. things that i would rather live without. coz everything led to disappointments. and i dun wanna be disappointed in you anymore.

i guess it didn't matter to you anyway.

but this way, it's perhaps better for me.

梦一场

2009-01-24T20:43:00.001+08:00

梦一场 - 林芯儀;
(原唱: 那英)

我们都曾经寂寞而给对方承诺
我们都因为折磨而厌倦了生活
只是这样的日子同样的方式还要多久

我们改变了态度而接纳了对方
我们委屈了自己成全谁的梦想
只是这样的日子还剩下多少已不重要

时常想起过去的温存
它让我在夜里不会冷
你说一个人的美丽是认真
两个人能在一起是缘份

早知道是这样像梦一场
我才不会把爱都放在同一个地方
我能原谅你的荒唐
荒唐的是我没有办法遗忘

早知道是这样如梦一场
我又何必把泪都锁在自己的眼眶
让你去疯让你去狂
让你在没有我的地方坚强
(让我在没有你的地方疗伤)

believe it or not....

2009-01-20T17:53:00.000+08:00

it's so hard not to see...

but it's even harder to pretend not to see...

i must have been an 隐形人...i'm not surprised....

and since when did i say anything that's not for real? it's just how much u wanna listen to what i have said before...and how much u actually heard...

did you ever try to listen to hear what i say? hmm...

什么叫视若无睹...

2009-01-19T18:52:00.000+08:00

is what you did tonight...

is what i was trying to do just now...

i think i made a right decision...to fark care...

i mean...i was just skipped like this...even a friend that i haven't seen for ages can do better...so why should i even be affected...

so much so that i felt affected...i really think i shouldn't...coz it's simply not worth it...

叶子

2009-01-18T19:07:00.000+08:00

"我一个人吃饭　旅行　到处走走停停
也一个人看书　写信　自己对话谈心
只是心又飘到了哪里
就连自己看也看不清
我想我不仅仅是失去你"

forgotten

2009-01-18T18:05:00.000+08:00

like the ipod shuffle...

dispensed and without value...most likely thrown to some corner...

some 不起眼的角落...

dun expect to get it back...

shall try to not expect you talking to me anymore also...

thatz the most i can do...

some down periods again...but i will live on fine...if i choose not to talk abt it...not to even think abt you...

i will try...it's for my own good...i need to try...

those 内心里的真心话...

2009-01-15T18:33:00.003+08:00

we stopped talking...in fact, you stopped looking for me long ago...

i kept looking for you...but always couldn't find you...till i got so tired...till i dunno what can i say to you even if i manage to find or see you...till all i might be able to do now is just to force a smile if we even meet...

i dunno if there's any reason...but i think maybe i drove u away...further and further...until the stage that we start to behave like we aren't even friends...

do you know that whenever i see you in sch these days...my heart aches...i'm sad at how it becomes...i'm sad that we don't even say hi...i'm sad that we can both see each other and yet pretend that we don't (or maybe only i feel that way)...i'm sad that i no longer matter..anywhere/...anytime...or maybe...i had never been of any matter...

you know...you used to look for me to talk about so many things...your fyp...ur modules...your uncle...your 'him'...and this and that...then you stopped...i felt kinda hurt coz i felt so easily forgetten and dispensed and displaced...i felt hurt when u said that last thing u ever said to me in dec...i felt disappointed when u missed my bday...

i felt hurt becoz i had put in 真感情 for the friendship...and this is what i get...i know pple always say that one should not expect any return favour if u willingly do something for someone...but i'm sure that there's this tiny part in all of us that yearn for something in return...some signs of appreciation/recognition...it's afterall..human nature thatz so hard to change...

to think that i once regarded you as my very very good friend...someone whom i can talk to...whom i'm willing to 付出 for...someone whom i would initiate lending my ipod shuffle to when you simply commented that you lost your mp3 player....but now i realise...for all the things done...all were unasked for...

i heard some gossips abt me...abt what i wrote on my blog...that concerns you...so i decided to put a password for access...i think i have attracted some unneccessary attention...i dun care what pple say...but i'm afraid certain unnice comments will be made...and i dun wan anyone to be hurt or adversely affected by them...

to be frank...i still bear a little bit of hope...that we can have the type of friendship we used to have...that u can be part of my life and i be part of urs...that i will be in a position where i can help when u need assistance...that you will not mind whining to me and listen to me whining...but i feel it's kinda hard...coz knowing the type of person you are...you will live on fine...too fine to realise that we were once such friends....too fine to even imagine where this friend of yours has gone too...

these are just my 内心话...very 痛心的...真心话...

having very mixed feelings when blogging these down...a part of me wish that you would read this....but the other part of me wish you wouldn't...coz i dun wanna cause u anymore trouble or problem or irritation or what not...

i just hope you will be happy each day...hope that i can get to know that you are happy each day...

i wanna write something so 内心...

2009-01-13T19:31:00.000+08:00

but i still can't find the correct words to describe the pain...the heartache...the disappointment that i inevitably feel...even till now...

2009

2009-01-04T18:04:00.000+08:00

the first 3 days of 2009 were spent in bintan...it was a very relaxing trip...with no urgent agenda at hand...everyday was spent nua-ing...having funz...laughterz...i miss those times already...

all i can say...is that i really left the place with lotsa 不舍...ha...not that the stay was super comfy...in fact...it's not...no air-con...lotsa feeding of mosquitoes...no good bed to sleep on...no good food...but the company is good! the country is good! the weather is not not-good...the beer is good! so is the port wine! haa...and not forgetting the late night saboteur...no-mercy and last-words..guess-the-song-title...guess-the-movie/drama/show...

relaxing pace of life...like i say...no agenda at hand...it's so nice to be lingering around the place...enjoying the not-so-nice beach...the not-too-bad sea...the not-so-bad people...haha...

i so hate to come back to sg...in fact...i feel quite lost...that the whole new sem is starting...that i have to face the people in sch again...last sem already...but i dunno if i will really enjoy the sem...i have many doubts...many reservations about certain things...certain pple...and i think i'm not very ready to go back to sch...

i have lost some faith...lost some trust...lost some expectations...

i hope that 2009 will be a good yr for me..

for me to gain some faith...some trust...some expectations that were lost...

the good things

2008-12-28T21:25:00.000+08:00

pple always say that life's full of good things out there...you just have to go out and get them...

hmm...well...i have seen many good things...but i realize there is no use going out and try to get them...becoz some things are just not yours...no matter how hard u try...you still won't get them...and some times...the good things turn bad...really bad...

you know wat...i have tried many times...and realize that those good things i go after are so often not destined to be mine...i have learnt...some times the hard way...and i have learnt to give up the thought of even trying...

if the good things belong to me...i believe they will come to me...at least i hope it works this way...i shall just keep my faith...

the only tough part is...when i start to give....i develop this thing called expectation...the starting point to disappointment...so well...i really think i should stop this nonsense shiit...i should stop giving...

and start receiving....if there is ever anything for me to receive that is...

late

2008-12-27T09:50:00.000+08:00

i was the 2nd then...

you were the last...

in fact, you were late...

it tells me so much....things that i already know actually...so there is no need to re-emphasize...

and there is no need to inflict further pain...

there is no need to feel sorry when there is no guilt...

last disappointment

2008-12-26T07:00:00.000+08:00

make that the last disappointment for this yr...

there aint many days left for 2008 anymore...

for those who remembered, thanks for the sms wishes, as well as those on facebook....i really appreciated them...every single word....thankz soo much!! =)

yr end resolutions

2008-12-24T13:50:00.000+08:00

i dun need any surprises....

i just dun want any more disappointments..

and the best way to do that? have no expectations...

do totally nothing...for nobody...for no purpose...

let it be...

my ability alone can't change anything anymore...

i didn't know it....

2008-12-18T19:10:00.000+08:00

hurts soo much...

coz it means soo much to me...

but i have my reasons...i didn't read between the lines...i didn't need to...coz everything that wasn't done...every word that was said so lightly...it just tells...i'm very sensitive you know....sometimes...i just hate myself for being too sensitive....over sensitive....even to things that pple don't see or feel...

pj is right to say that i am angry becoz i'm expecting something...

and perhaps what i'm expecting will never come from you...that you couldn't give what i expect in the kind of friendship i wish to establish...

and pardon me...fellow blog viewers who still bother to pay a visit....what i write here is really not meant so much for reading...by all means....DO NOT read if u don't want to...i just need to place to vent...

this time...i wonder how long i will take...

i feel the pain in my heart...in my head...it's just killing me every now and then....i should really quit msn...i shall try...

hurt

2008-12-16T18:37:00.000+08:00

i can only say that i was hurt...

i am still hurt by the things you say...

hmm...i dun even have the courage to say that i am hurt...i can only write it down in words...

sorry that i make u felt that way...

and i have probably figured out the best way to deal with it...i shan't talk anymore...安静了...

coz the more i wanna say...the more u would feel that way...

the angrier you get...the sadder i would be...

so it's probably the end...at least this way...i would be the only one feeling the pain...

haiz...i didn't want it to turn out this way...

but the moment i heard your voice today...the moment i saw you...that split second we looked eye to eye....i know it's gone...i felt so invisible that i dunno how to react...

my world collapsed at that moment...

really...it's enough for me...

another friendship ruined....

by me...

am i cursed or something? why does it always happen to me like this?

why?

i am not well...

i so hate the dec season...

frustration

2008-12-12T18:10:00.000+08:00

am i really that irritating to you?

haiz...sometimes...it really feels like i am damn bloody irritating...

i think 9 out of 10 times...i will get no reply at all on msn...

no...i have nothing of importance....but it feels more like i am of no importance at all...

it makes me wonder what kind of friend am i to you...

maybe i shan't even regard myself as a friend anymore...thatz the kind of feeling you are giving me...

i wanna talk...but i am nvr given the chance...

and i always care....no matter what...

it's so tiring...can you damn bloody at least reply me? so that at least i can know that you're alive and kick?!?!?! and please dun be stingy with your reply...if words are so expensive....then i have nothing to say....

i guess i am angry...i wun deny it...angry for nothing...angry for you doing nothing...

i am freaking tired of the kind of inconsistency i feel...

and if u ever see this...i hope by then...my anger would have subsided...

else...i also dunno...i'm kinda ready to just forsake this friendship...coz it's not something u need...even the friendship feels so one-sided....so why should i even bother? why am i always bothered by things that others dun care at all?

if i sound harsh...well...thatz becoz i'm really quite frustrated...more like of myself than of anything else...but still...i'm frustrated....\\

signing off,
the unimportant zs

argh!

2008-12-10T18:33:00.000+08:00

please don't do this to me...my heart can't take it...

got run down by prof again on tues night... =(

and when such situation occurs...i really can't find a person whom i could whine to...knowing for sure that the person will be so willingly listening...and understand my problem...it's not just something that "dun worry, you're not alone" can help...i know...everyone is facing problems some how or another...but i believe every problem is different...and how everyone handles his/her is different too...and it seems that no one is free enough to listen to me whine and understand my concerns....esp you...

pple keep saying that i have high expectations...but no! thatz not true! i just see no end to my entire fyp...BUT i know i have to make it end by hook or by crook on 31dec...

haiz...anyway...on a lighter note....the outing today was pretty good...shaggerz always manage to make me let loose on a night like this...thankz peepz....though i am not sure if there's anything for xmas...and i really dun think i have the time to plan anything...but i'm sure someone will come up with something yay? and if by then...i am not too owned by fyp...i will most certainly make my presence for THAT anything that is planned....

oh well...for now...it's back to reality...

but haiz....i just wanna whack tennis!

haiz

2008-12-08T18:22:00.000+08:00

sometimes i just hate you...

even as a friend...

i dunno why...

maybe it's becoz.......

"恨比爱容易放下"...haiz

Teardrops on my guitar

2008-11-28T18:06:00.000+08:00

here's the song i was talking about...

Teardrops on my guitar
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, i laugh cause its just so funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]
He's the reason for the Teardrops On My Guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

Love Story

2008-11-27T18:17:00.000+08:00

this is my most recent obsession...due to a couple of reasons...(haaz)anyway...title of the song is "Love Story"...omg...she looks so damn hot in this MV...oh b/w i think she's a country singer...(my interpretation => sing those country folk songz one..)oh and one more thing...she is the singer of "teardrops on my guitar"...i think more pple should be more familiar with this song...

randomzz

2008-11-23T17:51:00.001+08:00

how did i manage to make your fave song mine?

but i doubt if you even listen to mine...

randomz

2008-11-22T18:58:00.000+08:00

"我尝试着堕落当我想你的时候"

one of those nightz

2008-11-18T19:41:00.000+08:00

that i couldn't sleep...

is it called insomnia?

oh well...i just wish i could fell asleep before 1...after my songz...

still wanna go sch earli tmr...

having 1000 and ONE things going thru my mind on...nope...i aint stressed over exams this time...at least not for now...it's just that i always tend to get so FJ at this time of every year...

i have got such a bad record...

man...i think i sux!

lousy zs!

i wan cards too!

2008-11-16T18:24:00.000+08:00

ya! haven't been receiving one for quite some time already...

hmm....dec seems to be a good time...

*hint hint

ya...25th = xmas = god-knows-what-else!

n guess what...i do keep all the cards that i received...since sec school...i'll make sure ur 诚意 in whatever forms will be felt and appreciated and cherished...

my song for the moment....

2008-11-15T13:54:00.000+08:00

i have to admit...that i'm soo obsessed with this song right now...nope...not too emo....just a faint feel of sadness in it...

魏如昀-目光

走在每天行走的街上看著人来人往
这世界平常的好像你没有离开一样
回忆是很美的地方却不适合独自前往
所以我向前走不看我们的过往

当我爱上一个人我会把自己遗忘
我最深爱的你是我全部的阳光
当我离开一个人你却还在我心上
用眼泪告诉我我离不开你身旁

想念是泪水的重量我很努力去抵抗
心却痛的让我依靠眼里的泪光
原来爱像玫瑰一样有不能忘的花香
就算它枯萎了那香味仍让我收藏

这世界再多的美好我可以全都不要
我只想在你身边看你最温柔的目光

sometimes...i just wonder if i didn't initiate a chat...how long will i not hear from you...it's disheartening...but i know it's waning...and i can't do much with effort just from one side of the equation...and i guess i'm pretty tired already...but a part of me just didnt wanna see the entire friendship fades and vanishes into thin air...ooh well...

i guess i will still keep hope...

i will try...

pessimism

2008-11-13T16:10:00.000+08:00

i think that my pessimism is driving pple away from me....

i really think so, u know...

shiit...and i'm really really no longer used to be a loner anymore...

today's like the 1st day of the sem that i had lunch in sch alone...if it wasn't in sch...i would feel just fine....but i'm in sch!!! and there is no single person whom i can lunch with...so sad...(okie...perhaps to be fair...i did manage to find lunch khaki...but the timing wasn't right for me...) well...the point is i feel so damn lonely in clib today...

pardon me...but i'm really learning to be optimistic....despite everything that has happened...that will happen...and that could happen...

and optimism = happiness...

i guess nobody in the right kind of mind..would strive to be sad...it's just in the character...some pple find it harder...and i think i belong to this grp...

i just need time...more time than anybody else...

and i do feel very helpless sometimes...

so pls dun leave me behind...i need friends!!!!

where are you?

honesty

2008-11-11T18:44:00.000+08:00

"honesty is one of the most important gifts friends can give each other"

ask urself...how honest have u been to your friends around?

be true to urself...

'hi-bye' friends

2008-11-05T18:49:00.000+08:00

have we become 'hi-bye' friends?

i dun wish to say this...but i really think we have...

despite all the things i have done...despite all the things you have faced...

now i dunno what to expect from you anymore...

i think i'm becoming tired...

and i have my stressful dayz also...like now...oh well...but it's really none of your problem anyway...

sigh...perhaps no news is good news...

at least i can assume that you are not facing any problem that you need to ask me how...

and i bet the rough times are over for u now...if not..at least it's smoother now...i hope...no more presentations...no more tests...and no more me pestering u...

u just need to focus on your fyp...final yr papers...and him...

just take care ya...my friend...

我还想她

2008-10-31T19:44:00.000+08:00

"请告诉她我不爱她
笑着难过自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎
狠了心说真心谎话

别告诉她我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口
就让沉默代替所有回答"

JJ - 我还想她

hmm...

2008-10-29T20:43:00.000+08:00

apparently, nothing hurts as much anymore...than what thou could do to my heart...

if i could

2008-10-27T20:20:00.000+08:00

if i could, i would make sure you eat your lunch and dinner.

if i could, i would make sure you have enough rest each night.

if i could, i would help u destress whenever you feel tense.

if i could, i would.

i would.

爱情

2008-10-23T20:16:00.000+08:00

爱情是两个人在一起时，快乐可以加倍，悲伤可以减半。

18th oct

2008-10-18T07:57:00.000+08:00

u nvr change...

i nvr learn...

Best of me - Daniel Powter

2008-10-17T18:58:00.000+08:00

Best of me - Daniel Powter

I was made the wrong way
Won't you do me the right way
Where you gonna be tonight
'cause i won't stay too long

Maybe you're the light for me
When you talk to me it strikes me
Won't somebody help me
'cause i don't feel too strong

Was it something that i said
Was it something that i did
Or the combination of both that did me wrong

You know i'm hoping you sing along
I know it's not your favorite song
Don't wanna be there when there's nothing left to say
You know that some of us spin again
When you do, you need a friend
Don't wanna be there when there's nothing left for me
And i hate to thought of finally being erased
Baby that's the best of me

Everything's behind you
But the hope still stands beside you
Living in every moment
Have i wasted all your time

Was there something that i said
Was there something that i did
Or the combination i broke that did me have

16th october 2008

2008-10-16T19:40:00.000+08:00

pls dun make me 讨厌 thee...it's not easy to love...but it's so easy to hate...

haiz...i think i need to withdraw for awhile...i can't feel the credibility...i can't trust anymore...i have lost the ability to discern right from wrong...i dunno how to tell which are truths and which are lies...i am no longer sure what to expect...the vision is blurred...i dun mind being depended upon...but i know thou mind coz thou art afraid of leading me on...i agree...this is the right thing to do...

the boundary was there...i crossed it...and in fact, i think i am the one that finds it hard to get back to my original place...i have misplaced myself...i still need time...and i really aint have alot of time...

i know...

i need to be fast...i need to pick up and go...once again...

i need to keep on drifting...till the day i find the right anchorage...i will need to keep drifting...

random

2008-10-15T20:24:00.000+08:00

i always think that if it's a qn, it's definitely meant to be answered/replied.

oh well. i guess my principles are quite unique.

just some random thotz again. something that i can't convince myself to change. something so ingrained in me that i think thatz how everyone should behave. i mean if i put myself in the other person's shoes, i would still think that i ought to answer a qn thatz being asked. nothing wrong isn't it?

hah.

oh nvm. just feel like ranting after the petroleum test. pretty crazy to do such a taxing test in such a short time. but overall, it seems okay still. dunno. shall remain optimistic until the verdict's finally out later.

Linger

2008-10-14T20:00:00.000+08:00

"You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger...
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to...do you have to...do have to let it linger"

--- Linger - The Cranberries

disappointments/apologies

2008-10-12T18:36:00.000+08:00

Disappointments are just negative results of expectations. I have always believe that the higher the expectations the harder you would fall, if it happens that there should be a fall. I have learned to play down my expectations in every aspect in life. Expectations of results, expectations of friendships. coz i know that in life, there is hardly any equality. maybe i am still not doing it good enough, but i'm definitely constantly knocking this into my head. constantly reminding to give what i have to offer and only take what i need and what there is for me to take.

but i guess everyone has his/her weakest spot. i have mine but i shan't disclose it. But i guess it's pretty obvious from the things i did.

anyway, my actual intent of this entry is to reply to a friend.

i'm not mad at you. really. if i were really mad, then i think it's only appropriate that i were mad at myself, not you. i should have already gotten used to that. but i guess i'm freaking slow at adapting. and as many pple will agree with me, i think my biggest problem is that i bother too much when it comes to some persons. yah. so if i have disppointed you, i have nothing to say. i guess all i can do is to apologise if it affects ur mood for the day (but i guess it's not that impactful, at least i hope it's not). and please don't expect too much of me. i aint any saint. i'm human too. i dun wish that u get more and more disappointed in ur friend here. sorrie.

i don't know if u will read this. but anyway, i wrote it here not because it's intended for you to read. i just wanna blog it here coz it's really hard for me to put it down in words. in fact, i was at a loss of words this morning coz it's nvr my intention to cause harm or hurt anyone, esp if it's you.

haiz. so many things to accomplish. but so little drive. and what more. my fyp has come to a temporal halt. pit stop! no progress for one week plus already. no replies from my prof and co sup. wat to do? i dun wanna rush into things and get them all wrong and waste time on doing wrong things. as much as i will need advices, i think i am the most appropriate person to advice myself.

a test on wed. but it doesn't seem to be my concern at the monent. an eg proj due-ing in abt 2 weeks' time. but i guess pple work best at last minute. so i shall wait to see if there's anything more to add on for my part. well, afterall it's a grp proj and i need inputs as of now.

slack sem. with mind preoccupied by fyp. sux as it may seem, the earth still revolves in a way not many pple like. wat to do? make the best out of every situation and live life.

=)

hmm. i should say that things are no longer the same. as much as we would wish that they are, they are really no longer. but no worries, i will try my best to bring it back to how it's used to be.

"huh"

2008-10-11T20:17:00.000+08:00

am i not worth more than a "huh"?

are u really that busy?

then why do u even bother to log on msn?

year 4 sem 1

2008-10-08T20:09:00.000+08:00

went blog surfing for a while just now (haven't been doing that for quite some time already) and happen to chanced upon brudder's blog. and i sort of found the ans to a qn of mine. somehow, i have always gotten this feeling that this sem (year 4 sem 1) feels weird. initially, i thought it was becoz of me doing IA in the previous sem that i have gotten too slack. But 8 weeks have passed. any kind of slackness should have somehow been tuned away.Then i thot maybe it's FYP. hmm. thatz probably the root of every problem this sem. it seems really to be the case, but then i realised that fundamentally, it's not.

"Mayb its becos of the individual nature of e things we r doing now.. At least as a grp, slog together, at most die together, e extra strength u can derive from one another is, immense.. Mayb tats y some of u r feeling less motivated tis sem" - abstract from brudder's blog.

Thatz it! no wonder i'm so not motivated. why must be do indv fyp? no one to push me this way. and there's no synergy to talk about. so lonely. so powerless. and u can't whine to another about it coz everyone has his/her own problems and truly, none can fully comprehend what problems the other pple are facing.

apart from this constant pain in the arse. the rest of the modules are. hmm. slack as they may seem for now. or maybe everyone just choose to be slack towards them. so much so that not many pple are doing anything much for these. no mug-together sessions. no brain-farking sessions. hahz. somehow and strangely, i miss those sems when everyone is complaining about the same thing. the same farked-up profs. the same stupid quiz. labz. and projz.

wat more? it seems hard to get lunch khaki also. hmm. everyone's schecule is so different from one another's. that there are no fixed lunch time. and i am really turned off by the possibility of having to eat lunch alone if i go mug in sch alone. so turned off that i might just opt to stay at home even though i know i would be less than half efficient.

haiz. where are my friends?

can i fast-forward this sem?

or better still, can i fold?

can you just give me an A- for my fyp?

can i just find something i would feel really passionate towards?

apart from thee.

anyway. i hope i'm doing some right things. i hope i'm contributing and doing good.

i hope.

result and effort

2008-10-05T20:18:00.000+08:00

well...i have always been talking abt how result is not proportional to the effort put in..be it in studies...or in anything in life...and i seriously think that it's very true...and having spent 3 yrs in NUS didn't prove me wrong so far...

but that doesn't mean you should not put in effort...of coz u still must...coz it's a way to answer to yourself...whether or not the result turned out to be good or bad...above or below expectations...in cases when it turned out good...then u can go abt saying "well..i put in my fair share of effort...so i definitely deserve it and should be proud of myself." as for cases when it didn't turn out too well...u still can say "hmm...i have done what i should...this time wrong it's too bad...but i m sure my effort will pay off in the future...jiayou!" yep...what i m trying to say...is that nobody asks u to study...how much time u wanna spend mugging depends entirely on you...and when u think it's enough...it WILL of course be enough...coz there's no such thing as "i have FINISHED my revision"...only "i have had ENOUGH revision on that"...

anyway...studies aside...coming back to the effort-result thingy...or rather effort-effect might be a better way to put it...i really think that it's similar...

i know that a thousand words i said wun be able to match the effect of a simple gesture of concern from someone else...yay...but that doesn't deprive me from putting in the effort i deem fit to express the concern that i feel for thee...be it wanted or not...

i can't pretty much control it either...but i have been trying to rationalise it as much as possible...coz the standpoint is different...and the appropriate course of action is also different...

but i know that if 1000 words aint enough...i would say 2000 words...in fact, i would do anything i deem fit as a friend just to put a smile on thy face...

wat a fool...

=)

whiny whiny....

2008-09-25T19:48:00.000+08:00

“沉默是我最后温柔是因为我太爱你“ - 安静了 - S.H.E

“我会学着放弃你是因为我太爱你“ - 安静 - jay chou

2 diff endings to the same melody of 2 diff songs...

even in the music industry...they all also practicing recycling and reusing...so environmental friendly...

anyway...i like both songs...in fact...安静 is like the 1st jay chou song that really caught my ears back then...

sighz....sad songz...quite bad for my emotional well-being...

haiz...all was well until today...should not have left sch at that time...oh well....

no time to get distracted!! fyp is really a pain in the arse already...i dun wan any other parts of my body to feel anymore pain...esp the 'xin'...haha...crapz...

稻香 - 周杰伦

2008-09-22T19:14:00.000+08:00

稻香 - 周杰伦

对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
为什麼人要这麼的脆弱堕落
请你打开电视看看
多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
我们是不是该知足
珍惜一切就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
童年的纸飞机现在终於飞回我手里

所谓的那快乐赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了谁在偷笑呢
我靠著稻草人吹著风唱著歌睡著了
哦哦午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
哦哦阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
珍惜一切就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧回到最初的美好

不要这麼容易就想放弃就像我说的
追不到的梦想换个梦不就得了
为自己的日子鲜艳上色先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
笑一个吧功成名就不是目的
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
童年的纸飞机现在终於飞回我手里

hmm

2008-09-21T20:06:00.000+08:00

22 sept 2008.

hmm...haven't really had a proper post for quite some time already...

sorrie mr blogger...sorrie for neglecting you...haha...

nothing much lately also...just the usual ups and downs...the roller coaster ride every now and then...

fyp is a pain in the arse...i foresee i can't accomplish much...skyped with my prof last monday and from what we dicussed (together with my co sup)...it seems quite certain that i would have to rebuild the model...anyway...he asked me to summarise the entire Jadex user guide which is easily 150 pages....and today evening...i'm supposed to have another skype meeting with him to discuss abt possible features that could be put to use for the model...BEAR IN MIND THAT I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED CODING...the past few months were spent studying the existing code which is in a sense that is not-so-Jadex-like...WTF!

yeapz...this sums up my fyp woes...and wat more! MY PROF WUN BE IN SG FOR AS FAR AS I KNOW...UNTIL DEC....haiz...

i bet everyone has his/her problems over their fyp proj bah...and THESE ARE MINE! did you ever seek to find out? haha...nope! everyone is too tied down with their own damn stuff....thatz how the earth revolves...each person just trying to push thru his/her own way...everyone just wanna whine about their own things...who really cares and bothers to offer a listening ear? and by offering...it's not just literally offering...u gotta hear to listen...not one ear in the other ear out...

hhaa...seems like i'm whining to my blog viewers again...pardon me...

anyway...it really doesn't pay for being nice to pple man...pple just start to take u for granted and before you know...they are already expecting you to be always nice to them...that it has become an obligation on your part...watz more...when you start to be less nice...pple will say u are not nice...when in fact...you still ARE...but just that it's nvr always easy...i have got my own stuff to settle also...in fact...i might have more stuff than you that i need to tidy up...and i do really need some personal time and space....so if you are not here to help...please leave me alone!

haha...another paragraph of whining...*hush hush....

time to sleep...

everything's gonna get busy and busy soon....proj...term paper...midterm tests...job applications...and THE STUPID FYP!!!!

i wanna play...oh yah...tennis is quite funz....i'm gonna get a racket soon!

haa!

haiz...

S.H.E - 安静了

2008-09-18T09:15:00.001+08:00

omg...this song is damn nice lar...esp when hebe sings her part...really...their 11th album is a MUST-BUY!!!!

S.H.E - 安静了

只剩下鋼琴陪我站在這裡
夢想中屬於我們的婚禮
卻成了單人結婚進行曲
在這場愛情腳裡的拔河裡愛我還是愛你
你選擇了自己 wo~

撒嬌的可愛的
迷人的愛哭的
照片裏曾經都是你喜歡的
如今我還在原地
你卻走回你的記憶

你說我愛你太多
就快要把你淹沒
你害怕幸福短暫一秒就崩落

分開是一種解脫
讓你好好的想过
我想要的那片天空
你是不是能夠給我

你說我給你太多
卻不能給我什麼
分不清激情承諾永恒或迷惑

愛情是一道傷口
我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔

是因為我太愛你

沿海公路的出口

2008-09-04T21:49:00.000+08:00

i can't wait for the release for S.H.E's 11th album...anyone has any idea if there's gonna be a pre-order? pls let me know yay! thankz thankz. here's the lyrics of the 抒情主打 (sad song..=( ) ...there's another faster song that's on air already too.

沿海公路的出口 - S.H.E

用半截烟蒂烧一场蜃楼　借这场大雨让自己逃走
慌茫公路无人的漂泊　寂寞海啸把我卷走

用一段感情换一个朋友　每一句再见割一道伤口
躲在万劫不复的街头　微笑参透覆水难收

倘若说放一次手　就像咳一个嗽
我又何苦在乎得不到的温柔

我坐在公路的出口　等待天黑以后无边的寂寞
连想你都是种残酷切磋

我目送沿海的日落　紧抱一个醉生梦死的枕头
留不住回忆却学不会放手怎么走

倘若说放一次手就像咳一个嗽
我又何苦在乎得不到的温柔

我坐在公路的出口　等待天黑以后无边的寂寞
连想你都是种残酷切磋

我目送沿海的日落　紧抱一个醉生梦死的枕头
留不住回忆却学不会放手怎么走

wat a day.

2008-08-30T20:38:00.000+08:00

30 Aug 2008.

wat a day. very mixed feelings. sometimes happy, sometimes sad. sometimes confused. sometimes clear.

happy that i am here.

sad that things will move on from here.

confused about how i wanna carry on from here.

and clear that everything will have to move on from here.

hahaz. it's really very mixed. and all these emotions are churning in my stomach! (need to go toilet!)

haiz. feeling like i'm falling sick soon. easily feel cold man.

anyway. on a brighter note, my 2nd uncle has waken up today. (did i mention that my 2nd uncle got hospitalised yest?) apparently, it's not tat serious. not a 2nd stroke that the doc suspected. the reason for him falling unconscious is still not known. need further diagnosis i think. but glad that he's fine now.

hmm. just got the sad feeling when i saw him tear. it's really sad to see how patients get so depressed and annoyed with themselves. coz they thot they have become a burden to the family. that they are a liability and of no use. haiz. and it's not an easy task to try to make them dun feel this way. wat we can do, is to stay by their side and constantly remind them that we would also feel sad when we see them get so depressed.

haiz. lets just all look on the bright side of life! yay!

Sometimes When We Touch

2008-08-28T21:04:00.000+08:00

Sometimes When We Touch
(Rod Stewart)

You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly then mislead you with a tie
And who am I to judge you on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy keeps me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity some tenderness survive
I'm just another writer still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prizefighter still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you and drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through and hold you endlessly

At times I understand you and I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you and I've watched love pass you by
At times think we're drifters still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister but then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

happy brithday!!!!

2008-08-27T20:13:00.000+08:00

yay! A 'HAPPY BDAY' post to a friend!

smilez and stay happy, as always!

Goodbye Beijing 2008, welcome London 2012

2008-08-24T20:27:00.000+08:00

24 Aug 2008.

today marks the closing of Beijing 2008. yah.16 days of exciting, record-breaking, historical events. coolz. the next Olympics will be in LONDON! damn. maybe i should start planning a 2012 trip there. haha.

haiz. suddenly lost my thots on what i wanna blog abt.

hmm. something abt many many 'ttyl' that didn't happen. perhaps it has been used so commonly that the word 'later' has lost its original meaning. yep. im someone who is very careful with the choice of word. haha. so if i dun intend to talk later, i would say 'next time'. haha. like it or not. i'm very very very troublesome one!

anyway. i think i know whatz the problem with me. i often do too much. and am too soft. yep. too much! and too soft!

i must learn to be more brutal! haha!

i think i can read mind.

2008-08-23T20:43:00.000+08:00

lolz. thatz a ridiculous thot. but i think i can read mind.

but then again. no one to justify with me if i'm really accurate. hahaz. maybe it's just that i think too much. too deep. that i covered all possible scenarios and that one of them should somehow hit wat the mind is thinking. wateva lar! so much so for this, i can't figure out my own mind. i dunno what i'm thinking sometimes.

argh! sch started for 2 weeks already! and i'm still doing nothing but fyp stuff ONLY. and 'doing' just means going thru whatever thatz already there. so essentially, i have done nothing to it yet!

sigh. i miss my intern dayz. so carefree. so funz. so cool.

but now? can't free up the mind. coz it's always pre-occupied with things. sch and stuff. argh!

week 3! here i come!!!

wah lauz

2008-08-21T20:31:00.000+08:00

it's getting on my nerves!!

kauz. but it's good this way. it makes things so much easier for me.

flaws. flaws. flaws. argh! but why do i like all these flaws? shark! it sux! so irritating lar!

19 Aug 2008 - Deutsche Bank

2008-08-19T20:11:00.000+08:00

19 Aug 2008.

Went for the deutsche bank networking session today. quite an eye opener. enriching experience talking to a few of the pple. i mean i really went there with almost zero knowledge of investment banking and well, i did managed to learn something here and there after listening.

essentially, it all boils down to one thing: interest and drive. (okay, thatz 2 things i know! but they have to work hand-in-hand). yep. if u have it, u will definitely have the right kind of attitude in the things you do.

hmm. engineers are a bunch of 'too practical' pple. not risk takers (i mean, u can just look at the magnitude of safety factor they factor into their design calc. haha. not so appropriate comparison. but my pt is that engineers are all too pragmatic.) well. i think i'm kinda pragmatic too. probably thatz why i'm still coping quite well in this field of study.

haiz. yr 4 is the yr to start job hunting. sourcing info here and there to find where THAT interest of yours lie. and in fact, i was told something thatz quite true today. that many pple just don't know where their true interest is. they would think that they like this job. but in no time, they would get sick and tired of it and begin finding it a chore rather. maybe the interest is there. but it's hard to sustain. and once it begins to get routine. pple get bored and disinterested. thatz why we need challenges every now and then. stagnation is a no-no! humans are greedy freaks who are never content with the current state of life.

anyway. (i digressed from my pt again.) the point is: it might be a good thing to keep ur options open. and attend as many career talks as possible to widen the horizon. who knows, u might find THAT job that u like soo much and that which might bring u your 1st million!

haha.

i think i'm quite an overviewer. nvr good at details. i always like to see the big picture. i wonder what job will suit me. still searching. exxon!!! do you want me? haha.

--------------------------

i'm tired. very very very tired. i realise i have alot of things to do. just that i don't wanna do. shall focus myself more! jiayou!!

Go Away! Mr Murphy.

2008-08-18T19:32:00.000+08:00

18 Aug 2008.

Good Friend, Mr Murphy is at work again. he did well today. perhaps sensational!

well. things didn't quite go my way today either. i didn't gek my gek slotz. 1st and 3rd choice. and i only got my 5th eg choice slotz. splendid! and the funnie thing is, me and my friends are all going to diff tut slotz despite some careful plannings to do tutz together. AND! and and there goes my 3-day week plan. gotta take gek tut on thurs. no choice. i mean i can't really appeal for a wed one, with reason being that i wan my thurs free? can i? shark! aiyah. but on a better note: i still can have 3-day week on alternate weeks, or even every week, if i choose to skip the tutz. haha. (thatz how to self deceive and make urself feel better!)

okay. problem might seems relatively negligible to whoever's having a bad day. but my pt is, why dun u just "draw a new face and laugh" (to quote from Jason Mraz' "I'm Yours"). yep. laugh it off. *shrugz. find the person who can make u happy. coz every word he/she says will miraculously bring a smile to your face. hmm. i guess everyone knows who that person of yours is. dun be shy. just go find him!

ha. and dun go find someone who can do nutz. he's not going to be able to help. coz even if he did a million things, you know that he's not gonna be able to make u feel better. BUT even if it's a single small thing that the 'designated' person do/say, it can easily outweigh the former's efforts. it's called min effort leading to max output. ha.

watever the case. cheerz!

just hope everything will be fine.

Money Not Enough 2

2008-08-17T19:59:00.000+08:00

17 Aug 2008.

Went to watch "Money Not Enough 2" with my parents today. quite a nice movie. very touching. and i must say, Jack Neo really knows how to relate to the common pple. He understands the problems they face in their everyday life and portrays them in a way everyone can relate to. though some are exaggerated to add spices to the plot. but the underlying message that he wants to convey is very genuine and clear.

well. i shan't disclose too much of the storyline. but yep. very much family-focused as usual. but this time, it's relevant to the ageing population problem that sg currently faces. with the younger generation not wanting or not capable of caring for the old. hmm.

and yah, the movie shows that being poor doesn't mean unhappy. i think that's very important. there's this scene when ah hui's entire family chased after the bus (after he lost money in his business and sold his car), carrying bags of supermarket cheap items, all smiley on the faces. so touching! i almost cried lar! i mean, u can really feel that happiness. genuine!

very impressed by Jack Neo. he is nvr NOT quoted by the Prime Minister in the National Day Rally! kudos to his effort in making good local films.

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okay. that movie aside. i think i really suck! lost focus since last night and have yet to find it back. and logging in to facebook is not helping. in fact, it's detrimental!!! sux!